Losing Both Parents Changed Everything | Tara Accardo on Navigating Life With Grief

How do you navigate life after multiple losses and still make space for joy, purpose, love, and hope?

In this deeply honest conversation, grief and soul purpose coach Tara Accardo joins Nina Rodriguez to explore what it means to live through layered grief, traumatic loss, and major life transitions while rebuilding your sense of self.

After losing both of her parents to cancer within six months, navigating the isolation of the 2020 pandemic, experiencing heartbreak, grieving the loss of her beloved 19-year-old dog, and enduring a traumatic birth and NICU stay with her daughter, Tara found herself asking the same questions so many grieving people ask:

Who am I now?
 How do I move forward after loss?
 And what does it mean to create a meaningful life after grief?

Together, Tara and Nina discuss anticipatory grief, cancer caregiving, pet loss grief, parenting after parental loss, continuing bonds, spirituality after loss, soul purpose, grief coaching, and learning to trust your intuition through grief and trauma.

This episode is for anyone grieving the death of a parent, navigating compounded grief, adjusting to life after loss, or searching for hope and healing after heartbreak, trauma, or major life change.

Whether you're grieving a mother or father, coping with grief during motherhood, healing after traumatic birth, or trying to rediscover yourself after loss, this conversation offers compassionate insight, validation, and reminders that grief and joy can coexist.

Connect with Tara Accardo:

• Website: lossesbecomegains.com
• Life With Grief podcast
• Instagram: @lossesbecomegains

Transcript

What did I gain from all of this? It's not the silver lining. It's not the gratitude. It's not all those things. All those things did come to me. I had to get there on my own, but those were some life skills that I low key gained from everything that happened. It was just in a really condensed, really traumatic time, I think. You I might've gotten there eventually, but the way in which it happened was humbling, to say the least. And life does nothing but accept humble you, right? You just lost your loved one. Now what?

Welcome to the Grief in Life podcast where we explore this new reality through grief-colored lenses. Openly, authentically, I'm your host, Nina Rodriguez. Let's get started. How do we navigate life with grief? Hello and welcome back to the Grief in Life podcast. My name is Nina Rodriguez and today's guest, to many, she is a familiar voice and guide in their own grief journey. Tara Cardo is a grief and soul purpose coach and host of the Life with Grief.

podcast. After losing her parents to cancer within six months of each other and navigating a traumatic birth experience, her journey of grieving led her to create Losses Become Gains, a community for fellow grievers that serves tools, resources, inspiration, and guidance on how to navigate grief, loss, and moving forward with both in tow. It is my absolute honor. I am so giddy about welcoming Tara to the Grief and Light podcast. Welcome, friend.

Thank you, Nina. That's so sweet. am so, I also am giddy. I love that word. I am very excited to be in conversation with you. Me too. This has been a while coming because Tara and I did a collaboration episode over the holidays and I've been on her podcast. We've done events together and it is just one of these kindred spirits in the grief space that I just adore so much and you are going to get so much wisdom out of this episode and

perhaps even relate to her story because she's experienced multiple losses. So I'm so excited, not about your losses, but about our conversation. Are we sketching this out saying that too? And I'm like, wait, sorry, this is really twisted. I'm really sorry for what you went through, but like, let's talk about it. Yes, and we have enough closeness to where we can kind of giggle about it now, obviously not. We understand the language of grief, but the biggest question of Volterra is how do we navigate life with grief? Where did your grief journey start? Without going into...

every nook and cranny and detail of losing my parents and what all of that was, but I will give a little bit of context for those who are curious, because sometimes people hear, lost them six months apart, like that's kind of crazy, both to cancer, whoa. So the very long and short of it is my mom was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in like May or June-ish of 2019. She had had GERD for

a lot of her life, which is similar to acid reflux for those who maybe don't know what Gert is. And so it was one of those things that after she died, even probably a little bit before she died, if we're being honest, my dad and I were reflecting on that together and we're like, why didn't you go to the doctor sooner? know, like just to come right out of the gate with the coulda, woulda, shoulda's and why this and why that, right? Like just to normalize that conversation. That was...

very true for us in those early days, those weeks after, and just dealing with that. My mom, didn't like hate doctors, but she was kind of of the belief that like, if you go, they're always gonna find something wrong with you. I'm like, yes, mom. Well, maybe they could have actually found what was wrong with you and maybe even saved you. Who knows, right? Like you can't dwell on those things. at the time, we don't even know if that is what caused the esophageal cancer, but with GERD being what it is, it's just coincidental.

that it affects the esophagus. And so it got to a point where she was actually having trouble breathing and there was a lot of traumatic things there. But yeah, so she was diagnosed and I don't even know at what point she was like staged, if you will, but she didn't even really ever communicate a stage to me. they did stage her, she didn't tell me about it. So this was 2019.

So I think I was like 28-ish, yeah, my late 20s when all of this was happening. you know, there's always a pivotal moment in your life, but like late 20s, there's a lot going on in that time in life. The bottom line is ultimately it was just caught too late. Like she did go through chemo and radiation and that was brutal. They had to do an emergency tracheotomy because the tumor was growing into her airway and it was not good.

never heard her speak again. So I bring that up to say that is also right a layer of grief. Like she hadn't even died and I was grieving my mother's voice and not like who talks about those things, right? Which is why we're here trying to talk about them and normalizing like happens before our loved ones die, truly. But I didn't know what anticipatory grief was or anything like that of the time I was just kind of in survival mode and you know, she died later that year on December 9th of 2019.

for the holidays. So anyone here listening who's lost a loved one in and around the holidays, I am so with you. I'm sorry. It just makes that holiday season just that little more bittersweet as if it's not bad enough already without them. And then to have that reminder. But during all of this time too, my dad also had prostate cancer. He had had that for probably like five years at that point. And it was...

managed, let's put it that way. He was, I think, taking some medications and things for it. He did some interesting genetic trials through UCSF here. We're in the San Francisco Bay area, so thankfully we're close to that. that's actually how I found out. I have one of the genetic mutations my dad had, so little PSA for anyone who can maybe get access to that if there is a loved one who maybe...

has or had cancer just to see what your predisposition to that might be. because now I basically found out I have a slightly higher chance than usual to get things like colon cancer or cervical cancer, things like that. So it's not a death sentence. It just means like start your screenings earlier kind of a thing. So anyway, dad is dealing with that as mom is slowly but surely declining. And then once my mom passed,

I, you know, of course my dad was never gonna be the same person. None of us ever are after someone dies, but this was his wife of over 35 years. This was his best friend, right? Like I don't, I always say like, I don't think he knew how to live without her, nor do I think he really wanted to. And it is truly that, I was talking to someone about this yesterday, but it really is that case of like, whether it was...

dying of a broken heart, I don't know, but it really seemed to be like, okay, he's already immunocompromised, obviously, with the cancer that he had. And so within, you know, two, three months of her passing, it metastasized. So it went from his prostate, like into his back and into his brain. So it started affecting him cognitively as well. And so again, sparing a whole bunch of stories and baby traumas along the way. One day I...

found him at home and he was not in a good state, had to call for an ambulance, all of that, and he never came out of professional care after that. He went to the ICU, he was there for several days. The nurse even told me, this was interesting, she was very dehydrated and just, you know, again, cancer was just spreading, doing its thing. And she also told me, she's like, no, honey, he's very depressed too. And I was like, I don't have a lot of exposure to depression, if I'm being so honest.

really know personally anyone with depression, like severely. And I know some people with anxiety, so I can kind of cope with that. But like, that was something I beat myself up for, because I didn't know to look for that. Maybe I did, looking back on it, right? And I just had blinders on, because I couldn't like, I think about dealing with your own grief. Yeah. I think about that sometimes. I don't beat myself up over it. At first I did. I was like, you should have seen the signs. You should have cared for him better. You should have been there more, right? Like all those things.

Forgiven myself for all of it, a lot of it, but his health started declining as well. And I went through a breakup in between those two things as well with my now husband. So spoiler alert, we got back together, but. It out in the end. It did, but that's a story for another day. But at the time that was a living loss that I was then dealing with. And I'm not gonna say there was peace around my dad's passing, but the writing was on the wall. I was like, wow, I had just been through this, not.

Three, four months ago, I can, I remember the moment specifically where they transferred my dad from the ICU to a nearby, basically post-acute facility that would eventually become hospice. I was, I literally, was like, I'm gonna lose another parent. This is actually happening. I couldn't process it at the time, but factually, I knew what was coming. was just a matter There's those moments of, oh my goodness, this is the reality that I'm And I'm trying to go back to the end time, right? So this is 2019, end of 2019 December So now we're in 2020.

COVID, there's COVID. There's the breakup with your, you know, back then ex, now husband, and you're, you know, dealing with your father's decline and also all the, you said trauma, it is trauma that you undergo and the anticipatory grief and everything. Who was supporting Tara at this time? That's a great question. Tara was? Like, seriously, I mean, don't get me wrong. I have lovely friends. I have wonderful family.

Where we are in California, I have no family around me. Everyone's on the East Coast of the United States. And while I have friends near here, a lot of them are still distances or they're in Southern California now, like some of my very best friends. So it was maybe virtual support basically from everybody. I did go to therapy for like maybe three months in between the breakup. It was actually probably after the breakup happened, truthfully, that I...

It is funny because that is what I found myself talking a lot about in those sessions was the break. And I think it's because it felt unfinished. thought at the time I was like, I was supposed to be with this person forever. Again, funny now looking back on it, but like that was traumatizing at the time. And we were still around. He wasn't far away. We were moving out of the same apartment. We lived it together. It like this, there was a lot around that. And then of course, grieving my mom, but I wasn't even fully able to grieve her because I had

the breakup going on, and then I had to work and take care of my geriatric dog, and now my dad's dying, and I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I talk about survival mode. That's basically, think, looking back, was like, that's very much where I was operating from. But I will say, and I've actually, I've talked about this on my podcast too, I did spend a lot of time alone, and that...

actually was kind of a blessing. And this is another twisted kind of funny thing I'm gonna say, but I'm actually so glad that my husband and I, you know, like, I'm glad we broke up actually, because I needed time to figure out what I was gonna do about dad, right? Spend that extra time with him as much as I could, which was complicated, because they wouldn't really let me in. Like, if anything, we had to like go to a window.

of the room that they were in or just talk to them on the phone like it was not. That was heartbreaking. And I just needed that time, I think, to just be with myself and my thoughts and my grief and work, you know, because that was a good distraction at the time, truthfully. So there was a lot of very complex things going on at that time. But yeah, ultimately.

But you know, my dad's health just continued to decline and he ultimately died on July 13th of 2020, which ironically is my father-in-law's birthday. So that's a fun, complicated day for me. It's a longer day for sure. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, mean like that morning though.

I got the, but my parents died five minutes apart by the way. So like obviously very different days, but like my mom was 320, my dad was like 323 in the morning and my mom was like 327. It was so weird. Talk about the witching hour. Weird. Both times though, it was very peaceful. I was with my mom when she died. I was not with my dad, which my dad wouldn't have wanted anyway. So I feel at peace with that. But like with my mom, I was like.

there's nowhere else in this world I need to be. I was actually panicked when they called me. I was worried I wasn't going to get there fast enough. And yeah, I just remember it like the morning my dad died, remember like going out because you know, I didn't sleep after that, but I eventually started calling his family, letting them all know. And I was like sitting on my couch, like looking out of my side of my patio. It was a beautiful summer day. Like world continued on. And I was like, but it was the

most empty, isolated, lonely feeling I have ever felt in my life. I've never experienced anything like it before or really since. And I would like, it was peaceful, but I was actually like scared. Like, I'm like, my God. And it's like that cliche of like the people that you would go to in a crisis or tragedy like that are the ones that you can't.

And it really did scare me. Like I remember having to work through that fear for like a while. Sometimes it was more obvious than others, but yeah, not having like both parents, your North stars, and I know that's not the situation for everybody. I wanna be very sensitive to different relationships with parents. I was very blessed that I was very close with both of my parents. yeah, so ultimately from there, and to kind of get back to your original question, like,

What is life with grief? How do you navigate it? Like what, what do we even do now? The long and short of it, I promise I will, I will try and make this part short. It's just that that's exactly what it was for me moving forward. It was figuring out like, literally who am I? What am I doing here? Where do I go? What do I do? my God, I'm an adult. Which like I already kind of had been technically legally, like.

nothing makes you grow up faster. All those cliches you could possibly think of in your head when you lose a parent, like that was my life. And my husband and I didn't get back together right away. I was like, so help me, we're not breaking up again. Like if I'm gonna do this, this is gonna last this time. I'm not trying to be heartbroken here for a third time. And so that was helpful. I mean, I think our eventual getting back together, he was a better support.

Half the reason I think we broke up was because he did not know how to support me. He has two happy, healthy parents. How can I expect him to get it, so to speak, or really anyone around me? No one around me my age had lost two, let alone even one parent. I do have some girlfriends that have both lost their dads. So, there was a little bit of camaraderie there, but it was really, again, a lot of alone time. But even though I maybe kind of isolated myself a little bit,

I will say I'm proud of myself because I feel like I did it in a healthy way. I wasn't actively trying to push people away. I genuinely was just trying to get to know myself again and figure out this big girl stuff that I now had to figure out. And there is state, which was like a three year long probate process. And you learn a lot during that too. It's like, oh, that stuff, they don't teach you in school. So it really was day by day.

go into more detail about that or not, but like, yeah, it was a literal picking up the pieces from there. And I didn't know or understand what like integrating grief into my life was at that point. didn't learn any of that until later. just surviving. Yeah, but that's kind of what I inadvertently did on accident, I guess. Thank you so much for delving into all of that. And I know that was a succinct way of describing what was

probably a very lengthy period in your life or what felt like a very lengthy period in your life. Just the pandemic alone was so disorienting for people. it's really heartbreaking to imagine your mom, the pandemic, all these things back to back, all at once. And I don't care what anybody says, 20 adults and 30 adults is a totally different, it's a totally different mind frame. So you're technically an adult in your 20s, but having to navigate

and face life without your parents, without your support system, without like your people, your main people. And like you said, nuance, because some people are not close to their parents for many reasons, and that's understandable. But in your case, you were. And another thing is, you're an only child. this is, you didn't also have the sibling element. You were really, really on your own. And I've known you, and I've known this about you, but hearing it, there's still something in me that is just in awe of how you navigated this. I'm sure there was so much grace.

from seen and unseen sources and you were guided along the way. But you kept repeating, I showed myself grace, I don't should on myself, I'm not hard on myself over these things. Did you have that knowing at the time or is this something you worked on over time after the loss of both of your parents? Very good question. Short answer, I worked on it, big time. It was, cause I should also mention, cause my losses didn't end there.

You mentioned the traumatic birth and that is a whole other story we can get there eventually. But before any of that happened, before I even, I think I maybe was engaged at this point, but hadn't gotten married yet or anything, we also lost my dog. know, everyone, okay, losing a dog. No, no, this was like the sister I never had, okay? So thank you for calling out the fact that I'm an only child. I almost forgot to mention that too. So yes, that definitely complicated.

The grief, and I think I maybe even said this in our episode on my podcast too, like it's easier or better or whatever having siblings versus not having siblings. Like I always want to acknowledge that because I've talked to some people whose the siblings have made someone's life a living hell when they're trying to figure out an estate or, you know, people get very greedy and they want the money, right? Like there's all those things too. I didn't have anyone to fight over things with, but I also didn't have anyone to go through it with. So, you know, yes, very complicated there.

But with my dog, I'd had her since I was 10. She was like 18 years old. And so I lost her less than a year after my dad. It was like 11 months, I think, after my dad died. that's also extremely traumatic. But she basically had a really bad reaction to a rabies shot that she did not need. The vet insisted, I went against my intuition. Got it anyway. Because they were almost like holding her medication over my head. They're like, no, she needs this shot before we can They can be very pushy.

Like for anyone here listening, please, like, please for the love of God, listen to your intuition. I almost wish I, yeah. Again, see the wishes, the coulda woulda shoulda's. Honestly, more than anything, I almost feel like I had more of that with my dog than I even did with my parents some of the time, because I felt like I was, I wasn't responsible for my parents' deaths, right? Cancer was. But like, I had a choice in that instance and I went against my better judgment. Like there was something about,

that I was like, I feel like she doesn't need this. She's almost, she's 19. Like this is crazy. And yeah, and she just had seizure after seizure and within two days she was gone. And so I remember like, you know, my then fiance and I are like driving back and it was really sad because he was absolutely in love with her too. Cause like we had come to take care of her once my parents just really couldn't anymore. So it was like his little daughter too and just.

I mean, it was devastating for both of us. And I just remember driving home and I had like cried all I could cry at that point. And I was like, I thought I had hit rock bottom already. this is it. Yeah, this is it. Like, you know, and that's where that only child thing comes in. It's like, now all of my immediate family is gone. Like, yeah, like my immediate family, my parents for sure. like Princess, Princess was her name, was very much that, you know.

the only family I had left, even though she couldn't talk back to me, she was my family. So, yeah, so to answer your question, yeah, was definitely, it was a big process. And yeah, lot of forgiving had to happen. I think, and I'm skipping ahead a little bit here, we can dig into this, but like in becoming a grief coach and becoming a sole purpose coach, like within those things, and then lots of...

very powerful podcasts and things that I've read and stuff, you all of those tools helped me to understand and like learn that like it is not your fault. And more than anything too, I can't remember like when this shift happened, but I just had to keep telling myself like you were doing the best you could at the time with the information and the education and the life experience that you had available to you, period. And

I tell people that all the time, that people like, coach, I'm like, if you can lay your head down at night knowing that like you did okay today, right? That there was not more that you could do in any given situation, like have that awareness, then you're doing okay, right? And that's gonna like mitigate probably, hopefully some of the guilt and the regret and the shame and the coulda, woulda, shoulda's that we carry with us post loss and into that. And that's where I see a lot of.

fellow Griebers, right, not to label us, but like we get stuck in that. It's because that is so hard to grapple with. It's just that lack of closure in a way and self blame that we could have done things differently. But in many, many, many cases, that's just not true. Yeah. And thank you for naming that. Those are definitely the spirals that can get us stuck. And I want to thank you for also bringing Princess into the conversation along with your parents, Greg and Laurie, because

You know, we have this hierarchy of grief and you can touch on this if you like, that the humans are above the pets and, you know, the parents are above certain people or a child is above, you know, all these hierarchical things. And it's interesting that in the conversations that I've had, sometimes the pet loss, which is so valid all on its own, especially when you had, mean, 19 years, that's a whole, that's a generation, that's an adult person on both board, you know? It's a pet that was with you for...

key moments of your life, your whole upbringing, you your teenage years as an adult, all these things, the loss of your parents, all these things. Literally what I was going to say. Yeah, she was like one of the very few things that brought me joy and also literally got me out of the house. yeah. So naming that, that pet loss grief and also how the loss of a pet can unearth perhaps things that you weren't, not you Tara, but I'm saying that some of us were unable to deal with, with the loss of our person. So I'm curious if that was your experience as well.

Yeah, definitely. I think with her getting, I mean, her decline was much faster than my parents and things as well, but just being more aware, being more attentive, like those sort of things, I think, came out with what happened to her and the responsibility. And it's just, yeah, I just felt like I had to grow up so quickly. was ultimately like a year and a half from.

like when everything started, when mom got sick, I guess probably about two years, should say, to like, mom got sick, decline died. Dad, decline died. Dog, decline died. Right? Let's like two years. Yeah. I was forced into a lot of situations that I'd never been in before. Right? And how do we know how we're going to react to something or how we're going to be in a traumatic situation that we maybe don't even know is traumatic at the time?

until you're in it. There's nothing, nothing that can prepare you. And I should note, like I've lost family members in the past. Like I lost my grandmother when I was 10, who I was very close with, but losing a grand, not to compare, sorry grandma, love you nanny, like losing her at 10 and losing a parent at 28, you're in totally different phases of your life. Your brain is in a different place. Like it's a different person. You know, it's just, it's different.

you know, lost a cousin, too young. Like there was just other losses as well, but it just, nothing was as stark and as, you know, shocking to my everyday life, if you will, than the loss of the three of them. And I think if it's, I mean, it's obviously taught me a lot of things, but the, and I think also being an only child, I'm just especially prone to this, like the,

I'll do it myself mentality, almost to a fault now. It's actually gotten pretty bad. really, I probably should lean on people more. It's, if I'm being so honest, I think it's hardened me in some ways because I get in a little bit of this mode of like, you're not helping me in the way that I need. I like, I'll do it myself. Like I'm a do it myself kind of girly and like, that's fine. That can be a strength in some ways, but like,

We gotta be able to lean on other people too, but like, it kind of like messed up my trust a little bit because I'm like, can't trust that everyone's gonna be around together. We all know we're gonna lose our parents eventually, right? Theoretically, but like, until it actually happens. And yeah, you're just, you're thrown into it and you, it really does feel like you're just out in the ocean on your own in a life raft with just no one coming for you. And,

Yeah, so it taught me a lot about strength, resilience, like asking questions. Like it's such a funny, but that's why I kind of named Losses Become Gains that in a way. And you know, that was years later, but like, what did I gain from all of this? It's not the silver lining. It's not the gratitude. It's not all those things. All those things did come to me.

I had to get there on my own. couldn't have people force that on me. But those were like some life skills that I like low key gained from everything that happened. So it was just in a really condensed, really traumatic time, I think. I might've gotten there eventually, but the way in which it happened was humbling to say the least. And life does nothing but accept humble you, right? So.

Yeah, sorry, I can't even remember your initial question now, but anyway. think because somebody listening who maybe has experienced something similar or is facing the decline of a parent or both parents or even a pet, all these things can perhaps relate to this, right? And it's important to say how it felt in the moment, what was really coming up for you. was something that stood out to me because I had it as a strong visual was that moment after you lost your dad that you felt that fear. And it's because like...

Yes, I had a sibling. Technically, I'm an only child. We've had conversations about that, but it's the fact that I'm going to have to face that, assuming things go in the natural order after the loss of both parents. And that is something that I feel is looming over my head. So if you're somebody that's either about to lose a parent or you find yourself feeling very alone and you're hearing this, I won't speak for anybody else. But for me, it's very important to hear these things because there is life after disorienting.

loss and even with the fear. can not just survive it but thrive because to share a bit more about your story, you're now a coach and you have your podcast and you help other people through this. it is possible to live a joyful and full life alongside life with grief. And that's why I love the name of your podcast because it's so true. A very straightforward. Yes, it's life with grief. So but and you know, not to sound...

But wait, there's more because there was also the traumatic birth of your daughter, right? So how does Tara, after the loss of her parents and 19-year-old princess, how does she get to the point of, I'm going to turn this into my life's purpose. I'm going to help other people through. And did the loss of, not the loss, excuse me, the traumatic birth of your daughter, did that play into that decision? Yeah.

So Loss has become Gains in my blog, because that's where it originally started. I felt the calling to write about, not just about my experiences, but literally blog posts about navigating a wedding without your dad, navigating a wedding without your mom, because I wasn't then engaged. I think we got engaged in like 2022, I want to say. Or 2021. 2021, I think we got married in 2022. So I'm going through all these big life events now.

without mom and dad that I never envisioned not having them there for, including my daughter, which we'll get to in a second. Devastating. And so I wrote about those and just the anticipatory grief, right? All these things that it had been probably a good year and a half, maybe almost two, after officially losing all three of them. like the princess dies and this is kind of where...

very slowly but surely, right? Because I was open, because I was curious, because I was not gonna stay stuck. My parents wouldn't have wanted me to either. But don't get me wrong, I had my days. Like I so had my days of crying in the bathtub, breaking down on the bathroom floor, like at 1 million percent. I don't wanna gloss over any of that. But with all of that, the grief and the joy and all the things, I still allowed myself to live and figure things out because what?

Like in my mind, I was like, what other choice do I have? I'm not just gonna, I'm not gonna sit here and wallow, girl. I will let myself have my wallowy moments and my pity parties. Don't get me wrong. I love a good pity party. But I, like so many of my guests on the podcast, and maybe this happens to you too, they're just like, I got so tired of hearing myself like whine and cry and wallow. we just kind of get sick of ourselves and we're like, no, I'm not living this life. I'm actively choosing not to live in that. I can't do it. I don't want to. So.

Again, with journaling and reading books that were helpful and podcasts and leaning on friends, like all of those things were kind of my coping tools, if you will. I started writing and then Launched Losses Become Gains. That was like November of 2020. Oh my God. Time. 2022 or, yeah, 2022. Anyway, not that important. Launched that and then within like a month though.

It was so, it's not like I blew up immediately, but with the response I was getting of just like, thank you so much for talking about this. I appreciate it, right? Exactly the kind of feedback we'd probably still get with the podcast. I started looking into grief coaching. The ball just started rolling and I was like, whoa, this feels so good. Like, was gonna ask you, was there a moment that you felt kind of the sparkliness of life coming back? Yeah, yeah. And it's like, I had those like sparkly moments here and there, you know, getting engaged, like all those things were exciting.

And it was actually, was like low key weirdly perfect that it was in that time in my life, because a lot of people were getting engaged and married and I was like going to all these fun events and don't get me wrong, the weddings were low key devastating because I would see a father daughter dance and like lose my damn mind. But amidst all of that, I was still laughing and traveling, which is like a whole thing of mine. Like I just love food and drink and travel and all the things and.

We'll touch on that. know your other podcast. can mention me here if you'd like. Yes, do. There's like this, you're discovering and tapping into other sides of ourselves, right? If we allow ourselves to do that. And that's very much what life was at that point. So yeah, became certified as a grief coach and then started the podcast. I remember it was like the week of like May 20th, because my parents' birthdays were three days apart too. So May 20th and 23rd, 13 years apart.

Three days. Those two came in and left as a pair. They were literally dead. They were like, no, we're going to continue hanging out. don't know. Sorry, Tara. Love you. But we're going to go over here. You got this. Cool. Thanks, guys. It'll be good. Love some dark humor. But that's heartwarming, actually, now. At first, it was painful, of course. But even when my dad died, I was like, I literally said to him out loud in

you know, his like hospice bed. was like, go be with her. It's okay. it was like, that's like his sidebar for a second. That's one of the things too, that I think I, that was a very poignant moment. But like one of the things I've learned is like, take your ego out of it. It's not about you. Like, and I'm not saying that there can't be moments where we make things about us, but I was like, this isn't about you, Tara. All of this is so much bigger.

than you. And I've also been like on this whole spirituality journey since then too. And I'm still figuring that out. So I won't even go into detail because I don't even know yet. But it's just, you know, that took me on a whole path too of realizing how much bigger life was and what it was like, what it's really about. And that's still unfolding. And that's like a really cool journey to be on. But yeah, I mean, well, I want to delve a little bit deeper if I may.

I know that our views can change, especially on even religion, spirituality, faith, whatever comes up for you in that moment, because you could go either way. Some people step away from their faith and they start having more questions than answers. And some people have the questions of curiosity towards spirituality or faith or whatever your belief system is. And I know I can change over time, but one thing that we share in common is this, I really appreciate how you say it's not about you, it's a bigger picture. And for somebody who's just lost their parent, this might sound...

just like shards against the heart, like crazy. And at the same time, you know, with some years and in the distance, we can see things with a different perspective. And I absolutely resonate with you saying that because for me, was incredibly helpful to just zoom all the way out and see the bigger picture of life and understand that this is nothing against me. Nobody's doing this to me. This loss is not to punish me in some way.

So I'm hearing a bit of that in your story and in the way that you're describing things. So I would open the door for you to share where are you spiritually today and knowing that it might change tomorrow, it might be different tomorrow, but like, what is it that allows you to say it's a bigger picture here? It's not about Tara. I have to take myself out of this because something bigger is unfolding. Yeah. love this question. Yeah, I mean, this could be a whole podcast episode probably, but.

In that moment, I think it was just the rawness of the moment and seeing my dad in that state and knowing, I mean, he even said in his like kind of a little bit dazed and confused state of like, just, I'm ready to be with mom. I just want, I want to be with mom. And as the only child, I'm like, well, I'm here. know, I could have so easily like taken that personally in that moment. And of course it made me sad, but that's like, I almost just got...

It wasn't even like a download. I kind of was just like, Tara, don't make this about you. That was his best friend. That was like, he's done. He's also been like going through cancer for six years now. Like it was about six years at that point. And it's like, let the man live. And by live, like let his spirit just do what it needs to do. And I will say, for as long as I can remember, especially my mom and I,

My dad really wasn't into this, but it's ironic now because I have gone to mediums since they both died and he's definitely come through. So it's like, okay, joke's on you. But my mom and I grew up watching Long Island Media and like Teresa Caputo. We've been into the whole medium thing for a long time. I'm not here to convince anyone to go to a medium tomorrow, but it has been very healing for me because I've found the right mediums, ones that resonate with me, that give messages in a way that I feel like are useful and are needed and whatever.

I'm very realistic. I take everything with a grain of salt. Like I'm very clear headed and clear minded when I go into like readings like that, right? I just take what feels good. I leave the rest, whatever. Cause sometimes messages come through that don't, you know, resonate in that moment, whatever. But it was, that has been very healing for me. I'm not going to sit here and say that hasn't been the case, but I, so I had a little bit of that with me at that time that I like told my dad, like he can go if he wants to kind of a thing.

So I think that was a gift in that moment. But I think it was also very much how I was raised. It was my mom, because she was like a little boo-woo, know, little lady, and had instilled some of that in me. yeah, and so it helps, I think, in that moment. yeah, from there, God, it's, yeah, it's evolved. I mean, that's always been with me. So I've never kind of questioned.

that there's more after this, I genuinely feel there is. You'll never know until you get there, right? like, yeah. But it is fascinating hearing, know, intuitives, mediums, people who had near-death experiences and recalling that, what they saw. Like, I'm just, you know, I love my father in lot of death, but he is just like, no, when you die, it's black and that's it. I'm like, that's sad. You have fun with that. I'ma go hang out with my loved one. be over here.

and party and like have a great time. It's fine. So that's where I choose, I've always kind of been like that. couldn't tell you what age I felt that way, but like I just, even as a kid, I just was like into ghosts and things. Like I just never, it was never like a, it's black and that's it for me. So that's always been with me. Religions, the thing I'm kind of.

battling with a little bit. I was raised Catholic and I didn't have bad experiences with it because of my parents at all actually. It was like family members and stuff that like, think just misinterpreted the Bible and it came out in a lot of hatred and being homophobic and things like that. And so that's where with the organized religion thing, I'm trying like, you know.

That's a struggle there for me a little bit. I'm trying to take myself out of those situations and I respect anyone, anything, any, they want to choose to believe in. yeah, I think for me it's more about, like you'll always hear it like, whatever the universe wants to put in front of me or source, like there's different ways to say it. I think for a long time I was very like, don't believe in God, because I associated that with the Bible. But now as of this recording, I'm like,

there is God out there. I don't know. Am I going to meet him one day? Then the type A brain of me is just like, I want some proof. I don't know. that's kind of where I'm at a little bit right now. regardless of whether or not he specifically exists or whatever, so that's where I think I've also listened to a lot of spiritual podcasts and things like that. it's like, however we kind of define, some people say God, some people say source, some people say whatever.

I'm a proponent of like whatever you feel comfortable with, like that's fine. As long as it is from a place of love and light. Like that's why I love the grief and light, right? Like that's where I'm operating from a place of. So whatever helps anyone else get to that point, that's where I want all of us as a humanity like to be at. It's tall order, but.

Yeah, I think that's something that a lot of people are grappling with even collectively right now with everything that's happening when things don't. When life is flowing smoothly, we don't often think about these things. We just kind of go about our day. But when there is a loss, a crisis, a shift, of friction or pain, it brings these questions front and center. And I think we each figure out our own answers. So I thank you for being open about that because I love naming that this is something common.

And it's an experience that each person has to navigate on their own. But I also want to give some time for people to get to know the side of Tara that's the coach and how can they work with you. And I also want to touch on the topic of your daughter and how that has maybe opened up a different side of grief and life and hope and all the things that that brings. talk about where people can get ahold of you first just to make sure that we get that in this episode and then go on to the other part.

Sure, sounds, yes, sounds good. basically where it comes to coaching, like I knew the grief coaching that's, know, was, I was like, this is gonna be in my life for a long time. Like I just feel like the in your face grief is kind of how I always word it. People who are sort of not ready for the what's next yet, they're just in it right now. And so I grievers from all over the world, like with that.

But there, will say too, to touch on the sole purpose part of it, there was a time within my own journey. So really like after I started the podcast, it might've even been later that year. 2023 was like kind of a big year for me. 2023, 2024, there's a lot going on. But I did a six month coaching like cohort situation to get, it's, don't think they have it anymore, but it's with Sahara Rose. I don't know if you're familiar with her, but she had like the highest self Institute. I think they called it. I think they shut it down now, but anyway, got certified through that.

And it was like such a expansive and magnetic six months. And it was spiritually very eye-opening as well, because I just met some also incredible people, also from all around the world. A lot of us had been through loss, right? Like, I don't think you're really called to some of these things unless you've been through some shit. It cracks you open for sure. It does. So that was beautiful. And just witnessing all of us in all of our wounds and all the things.

but it was so uplifting and amazing. And then, yeah, but then just technically speaking too, like it taught me some really good skills and ways to be a coach. So that's ultimately why I sort of call myself like the grief and soul purpose coaching. So I do the grief stuff, I do the soul purpose, that can be very separate depending on where someone is, but oftentimes it's very like intermingled as well, you know, it's it's grief and life coaching in a way, cause like, hi.

They're besties, it's all part of it. So a little bit how I just market it differently, guess. And what is, somebody wondering like what is sole purpose coaching and those, how do they differ from grief? The long and short of it is really how I'm choosing to define it ultimately through my lens of work. Cause really no one comes to me who hasn't been through grief, let's be real. So a lot of the time it will be someone who has.

been through a loss or multiple losses of some kind, but they're like, okay, honestly, Tara, like, I feel like the grief is like kind of at bay right now. Like, of course, always going to be there, always going to miss them all the things. But like, I want to rediscover me again. Like, I want to know what is my purpose here? Again, like what I was laughing about earlier, who am I, what's going on? What am I doing here? What's my purpose? Tell me what's my purpose. And I'm like, can't tell you that, but I can help you figure it out. And that's really what it is. And it's like the most incredible process.

walking with someone, asking reflective questions. Like that's really what a lot of the sessions are. It's, you know, there's some coping tools in there to like make sure we're not overthinking it too much and you know, things like that. But it really is just this amazing conversation and witnessing of each other in that moment. it's, ultimately just helping them work through that or any blocks or things that they might have to.

help unlock their soul's purpose. And we look at a lot of different things, their Dharma archetypes, like what their strengths are, like a lot of different things to help understand like, what are you good at also? Like, you cause a lot of people are like, I want to change my job or I want to do this or that or take up a hobby or something. It's like, okay, well, there's probably some things you're just naturally very gifted at and that's beautiful. Let's lean into that. What does that look like? What does that feel like? And so it's, that's pretty much

what that is and it's amazing. Yeah. Loft really does crack you open, oftentimes like reshapes how we show up in the world and our sense of identity and career is such one of those core points that tends to shift and either you feel not identified or you realize that you've been living a life of should like, my parents said I should go for this degree and this is why I became this and this is why I chose this career because I should be doing X, Y, Z.

then loss all of a sudden rewrites that perspective and you're like, wait, this is not even what I want. misaligned. What do I want? And that's what I'm assuming is what you're referring to. It's exactly what it is. Yeah. It's just making sure we are living in alignment. That's really all it is, that we are living our highest, most fulfilled self and in alignment with our highest good. And it's, yeah, it's beautiful.

It's beautiful, especially after such loss when you are so cracked open and vulnerable and you're just, you know, like trying to make the most of your time here after everything. you know, so. And what were you doing before that? Because now you're a coach and grief has taken on a whole new meaning in your life and in your work and the way that you show up in the world. But what was what were you doing before all of this shifted for you?

Yeah, I mean, I'm still doing a lot of same thing to be honest with you. So fun fact, I work in digital marketing full time. So on top of all these other things I do in the wine industry specifically, because of where we are in California, we work in wine. And but there is something that like lights me up about that too, because I do love wine. As I mentioned earlier, I like food and drink and travel. Like that is what my husband and I bonded over very much in the beginning. And

So there's something that feeds me there as well. I just, technically speaking, I just enjoy digital marketing. fun. So that's kind of been with me, honestly, through this whole thing. And also California is very expensive. you know. If I'm being so real, I'll just need a job. no, that's been amazing. And then, yeah, and then of course the podcast. So it all kind of like outside of.

the digital marketing stuff at all, the coaching, I like a couple little mini programs. So they all sort of feed into each other. And I just really like you, right? We just want to meet people where they're at. And so I'll just say like any and all of that can be found on lossesbecomegains.com. That's like, if you want to work with me, if you want to learn more about the mini programs or coaching programs or find the podcast or whatever, like that's all, that's all there. But yeah, that's kind of how I was, you know, led into all of that work. So.

But again, took me long time get there. What would you say to somebody who is struggling with pivoting? They have a hard time giving themselves permission to pivot after a loss because some of these programs are so ingrained within their system or they feel like they would be betraying somebody. What would you say to that person? This is so nuanced because I've talked to many people that like...

culturally, there's expectations or like, like I had a client who had very traditional, like I think it was like Chinese parents and like, there's a lot of expectation and things. And so for a lot of these people, it's very difficult to like break the mold and be okay stepping out. They feel like there's shame around that. I think he, I even had a client once that was like her, yeah, I think both parents had passed away and she, she even said to me, she was like,

She's not relieved they're gone in that way, but she was like, my God, kind of, that's why she came to me for coaching when she did. Cause she's like, I finally feel like I have the freedom to do this without judgment. That's a, that's, powerful. That's very powerful. And I'm, I'm very blessed that like, I did not have parents like that. They were very much like, they were like, do what you want, but they were like, we want you to.

do what lights you up, right? Find a cool career. Like it's okay to change, right? Like my mom changed careers multiple times throughout her life. Like my dad, who was a criminal defense attorney, didn't find that until he was 45, but he was a killer at it. That's impressive. He so found his calling, it's not even funny. So, you know, they weren't like really cool examples of like anything can come at any time. Like just let it happen. So I think the thing that I just...

You know, again, depending on the situation, if we are in alignment with what we know we are just meant to be doing, there's something physically in us too that makes us feel expansive about it, like quite literally, makes you put your shoulders back a little bit and you're not contracted. Think about that literally, I'm just inviting everybody, think about this throughout your day, even if you're on a call with somebody or someone says something to you.

that makes you like wanna go crawl in a hole and just be in your shell, right? Think about when you are feeling expansive and uplifted and free and light versus like when you are feeling contracted and judged and sad or whatever. we wanna be in that uplifted state as much as possible, right? So I think if we can just be as steadfast in that and confident in that,

as possible, even if we're still trying to figure it out. But we just, maybe we don't have all the details yet. Like, hi, story of my life. There's certain things I know I want to do that like come hell or high water, I will do them. I have no idea how I'm going to do them yet. I have no idea how it's going to work out, but I just know because I feel in my bones that's what's meant for me. Like, I'm going to make it happen. Don't know how yet, but like it's going to. No one can tell me otherwise.

And there's like a point where you can kind of like get to that you're again, you're so confident, you're so steadfast in that, that like the external pressures, social media, anyone telling you what, you know, you can't do it, what are you doing? You're throwing your career away, whatever. Like it just becomes like, okay, thank you. Like it's just, it's outside noise at that point. Or you're just like, thank you so much for your input that I didn't ask for. I'm gonna go ahead and take it. I'll take duly noted, but like, I'm gonna go ahead and go over here and do me.

And just own it, right? That's like my unofficial life motto, just own it. Own what is meant for you. Yeah, those are my words of inspiration for the day. Those are fabulous because it does make a difference to be able to operate from the perspective of feeling expansive and sparkly and I always say sparkly, bubbly. I love sparkly, yeah.

And you do feel it in your body, absolutely. I think that's such a clue. And once we understand how to read that within ourselves, we trust ourselves to navigate the path that we're meant to navigate. And I love that you help people see that in themselves. That's really helpful. We do need somebody to reflect that back to ourselves. Sometimes it's hard to see it, especially when you're going through a big life transition and loss and change and all the things. It's really hard to see outside of that immediate survival mode. it's...

helpful to have somebody else who not only has been through that, but can reflect it back to you on a one-on-one basis. Yeah, and it's tough if you don't have that in your life, and a lot of us don't. Like, you know, we might have good and well-intentioned people in our life, but like, if they don't have the capacity or the skills to like, ask us those questions or, you know, like, be that mirror, it's a tough learning to be that mirror for ourselves. Like, I was not that mirror for myself at all early on. Like, I had to learn to be that girl.

for me. So yeah, and you offer a lot of these insights on your podcast too. I know that we did a collaborative, not episode, a event, a live event actually called Giving Grief a Voice. And I feel like this was why it's so important to have these conversations aired publicly because of the access. Not everybody has access. Not everybody has the understanding, the wherewithal or something, but your episode might land in the ears of that person who's just ripe.

for a change, but they don't know where to begin. So do you talk about this on your podcast? Yes, definitely. Yeah, I've had some episodes about that. And I also feel like it's just woven in through certain topics that I might touch on. But yeah, I'm a big proponent of this. And I always preface it. And I always say, take what feels good. Leave the rest. Keep this in the back of your mind for later. I have all my little buzzword things. Because I want to acknowledge.

There's a broad range just like yours of like coming to our podcast and they're on completely different timelines and like where they are in their grief. There could be someone that just saw someone last month who this is probably maybe very difficult to hear. And then there might be someone who was several years ago and they're ready, right? They're feeling a little anxious. They're feeling restless. Like that's how I was feeling at some point back in the day. know, whoever, but like you said earlier I think it's so important to hear these things.

planting those seeds, knowing it's possible even if we're not there yet ourselves. Absolutely. And I love the way that you present the information because you also do interviews, you do solo episodes, and you have a segment called, what is it? Morning Morning Sips. M-O-U-R-N because we're all in morning in our way. And yeah, those are fun. those, was because, honestly, if I'm being so honest, it was because I wanted to do more guest episodes. Like the one a week was like, I was like,

so many people I want to like amplify the stories for, right? And I want to have on and have these amazing conversations. But the solo episodes, like they were doing well. And like there was so many topics that I was like, okay, I can kind of take this on one on myself. Like I just want to have a heart centered conversation with like whoever's watching basically or listening. So that's where those came from. And so those, some of them are longer than I intend them to be, but usually they're like.

I try and have them be like 10 to 20 minute episodes max, and they're just like talking about a whole broad range of things. And it can be anywhere from like, loss to, oh my gosh, dealing with the coulda woulda shoulda's. I just sent that to a family member the other day, because we just had a death in the family and they're kind of struggling with that. So I'm like, got an episode for you. Yeah, so it's the griefy stuff, but it's also that like, okay, let's go a layer deeper.

stuff too, which is where the sole purpose stuff comes in. And it's just like, OK, what's next? What am I not understanding about life, about myself, about what happened? Where can I dig deeper? And then there's some episodes for people that might be in that space too. I love that you're able to help your family as well. I don't know if this happened to you, but at first, when I started the podcast, people were like, grief, really? OK, whatever. And now they're like, hey, do you have an episode for this topic?

I'm like, you can go search it on Apple. Thank you very much. Just type in guilt in the search bar and you'll find it. Yeah, no, it's so true. it's, yeah, yeah, that's really helpful. And I want to give it some time if you so wish to talk about be your daughter, because I keep pointing to that, but like I want to give it some room just to, if somebody had an experience with the traumatic birth of a child, especially during a hard time, I know that like.

Kara from our friend Kara from Get Griefing Magazine experienced something similar and losing a parent and struggling with the physical healing of your body after the birth of your child and the trauma that ensues in certain situations. whatever you feel comfortable sharing about that. Yeah, definitely. And I will say, like I have a whole episode where I dive into like exactly what happened. I'm very open about it. I wasn't at first not because I didn't want to be open because it was actually that painful to talk about.

I was like, cause you know, when you mentioned earlier, like the hierarchy of losses and things, like I try not to feed into that, like, now that I have a kid, my God. I mean, I can begin to imagine the pain your parents, right? For example, losing a child. I don't ever want to be the one to sit here and say like, yep, that's the most painful loss anyone could ever go through, but like.

I'm also not saying that because like, you're also not saying it's not. Yeah. I'm not, I'm also not saying it's like the most painful thing ever. Cause we, can't, came that close. And so, yeah. And so there's just like a little while I had to figure out how I wanted to like tell that story and be so sensitive to the parents that have lost a child. And we have our dear friend Liz. Like there's so many people in our orbit that that's happened. speaking of listening to your intuition,

I like I redeemed myself a little on this one because my whole sort of like story of what happened with my daughter, had a beautiful pregnancy, morning sickness wasn't that bad, like it was good. She was originally due February 19th of 2024. So was a couple of years ago now, she just turned two in January. And we had her five weeks early. And basically the long and short of it, that whole week leading up to when she ended up being born, I was feeling fine, but I was feeling her move.

less. And that was maybe like Monday, Tuesday-ish that I started noticing that. And I also could have easily chalked it up to she's getting bigger, room to move around, whatever. like, I know this baby, right? Like I know her patterns, I know her movements, like mom's intuition, it kicks in before you ever give birth, right? And

So by that Friday, because she was usually more active, like lot of babies in utero are after you eat, right? And she was not moving really much at all. I felt a kick here and there. I was like, I told my husband, was like, something's not right. Saturday morning, wake up. And I barely really even slept that night because I was worried. I was trying to be on my left side, that's where the blood flow is, all the things. And so it was like 6.30, whatever it was. And I was like, we're going to the.

I don't feel good about this. is not right. Something's wrong." And he was like, sure? See, outside forces trying to be like, no, it's fine. You got it. No, listen to your freaking intuition. So we go and hours later after looking at her in, what's it called? Like the sonograms and doing all the tests and all the things, they're like, okay, so she needs to come out. She's like,

in distress. They don't even know what's going on yet, but they're like, she's in distress. And she'll probably do an emergency C-section tomorrow. They gave me a shot to help open up her lungs, because she's going to be five weeks early, which plenty of babies can be born five weeks early. But they're still going to be a little small. They're just worried about the lung capacity. So they give me a shot. within, I think, less than an hour, they move us to another room. I turn to my right, all of the like,

my marketing brain, was like, the KPIs, what am I trying to say? All of the monitors, all the numbers and everything on there, just plummet. so nurses come running in, they're like, okay, so this is actually happening right now. We're gonna prep you for surgery. I'm like, okay, so we're just processing the idea of having this baby tomorrow. Of course, we're not even ready, but of course in my mind, I'm like, my gosh, we don't even have the crib set up. And going back, I'm like,

home girl, you're not taking her home tomorrow. Okay, like didn't, my brain didn't go there at the time. Didn't think it was gonna be as bad as it was. So we still don't know what happened. The C-section went okay. She came out, didn't cry immediately, which was scary, but eventually she did. But she was like stark white, wheeled her into the NICU and everything. somehow they sent the bliss onto alpha testing. We still don't know what happened, but.

Like basically all of her fetal blood leaked into me, into mine. Crazy. mind you, in California, and especially in this Bay Area, we have like some of the best neonatologists like ever in the country. So the fact that they couldn't even figure it out, it's crazy. So again, you know, if we were to have a second one, a little bit of fear around that, right? Is this going to happen again? Like just want to validate anyone? Like that's, it's scary a little bit. My husband was traumatized for the first like year, year and a half of her life. Like truly he was not okay.

So I just want acknowledge also partners, husbands often in this case, or the person who does not give birth, right? They are going through it too. Because he saw things that I didn't see, right? I'm getting stitched up and he's over there in the NICU having to sign a blood transfusion waiver and paperwork should she die. Like it's, you know.

Nightmare, nightmare situation. So they do a transfusion or two there. They end up needing to transfer her to Oakland. There's a very, very good Oakland hospital here that's really well known throughout the country for infant things like this. anyway, so she was in and out of three different NICUs over the course of like 19 days. And really the first week I think was like the scariest in terms of like the touch and go.

I think the consensus was like, she's going to be okay, but it's also very much up to her, sort of. Like, and it's true, they can only do so much. And the reason they transferred her there is because she needed a third transfusion. They weren't like able to do what they needed to do with the hospital she was at, because they needed like plasma and all this other crazy stuff. And I'm like, okay, I don't care, just take her. But, you know, didn't get to hold her for the first like two, three days of her life. Like all those moments that you think you're going to get to have.

And I was not that girl that was like, okay, the birth has to go X, Y, Z and this way and this way. That would be like, do not deviate from the plan. I was very realistic. I was like, something not could go wrong. I don't even think that, but I was just like, it's in God's hands a little bit, right? You can only do so much. So you like surrendered a little bit to the process. Couldn't have a plan, but yeah, you gotta just have to surrender to whatever happens. Didn't think it'd this, but here we are. So yeah, that night.

she was transferred and I wanted my husband to go. I was just like, don't leave her. They wouldn't let either of us go in the ambulance, which was horrible. So him and his family who were local all drove down. So they were all with him. And I'm in the recovery, right? Just like hanging out by myself. Cause I don't have my parents. Cause guess where they would have been probably? With me, right? So like, you know, talk about needing your parents in that moment. Like.

And just the recovery, like you said, all of it, right? Like I won't take everyone through the 19 days, but there's a lot there and a lot that happened in the driving back and forth to see her and just the trauma of being in a NICU. I mean, there's other little babies that are also fighting for their lives and the alarms and other babies coming in and leaving. Like your nervous system is just shot. And there's this little piece of you that you're just terrified you're gonna lose. And even on the days where we...

It was looking really good and promising, right? Like she thankfully never really took like a dip for the worst kind of a thing. Like she was just a very steady, got healthy. like, thank God, so blessed. But yeah, the whole thing was crazy. But that just ultimately to kind of like end this story, it has now taken me on a path to getting to know other layers of my grief and being a parent without my parents. And that has.

unlocked a lot and watching my in-laws have the relationship with my daughter that I'm so grateful for. Like, always need to name that. Always want to call that out. like, can I also be bitter that my parents aren't getting that? Absolutely. So anyone else here listening, like, please, yes, it's okay. They're not here for a certain moment. I was already sad they weren't going to be here for a lot of the big milestones and also just the quiet life moments where I just want to text them or talk to my freaking mom on the phone. That's hard enough. But now,

They don't get to know me as a mom. I don't get to now know them, like that version of them as parents, like what I wish I could say to them. And I know I can, like I know they're always like around and stuff, but like it's so different than being able to talk to them in person. Like, it doesn't matter. I'm so bitter that they're like not physically here. So it's like just navigating all of that too. And then, you know, mourning the relationship that they could have had with her and they would have had so much fun.

And so that does make me sad. The way I kind of just describe it now because it's been thrown in my face so many times, it just bums me out. There's really no fancy, eloquent way of saying it. It's just, it's a bummer. I just feel like I got robbed. I got robbed of parents before my daughter came and now I'm just, it's just another layer of feeling robbed and gypped of life with them. And again, my daughter's only two, so still navigating that.

more layers will continue to unfold. yeah, it's definitely added some, not even complications to my grief. Like I'm actually, still doing really okay. It's very cathartic. I talk about grief a lot. So I have a lot of ways to process it, but it's more.

aspects of my grief I didn't know before, and how could I have known them if I hadn't been through that? So again, with the whole timeline of grief that everyone likes to impose on everybody, it's like, I wasn't a mom six years ago when my parents died. How could I have, you know, like, let me have this? So it's just one of the things that I know you're so good about this too that I think we just want to shout from the rooftops is like, you don't know what you don't know yet. So like,

let's all give each other a little grace for where we are in life, you know. Thank you for your willingness to go there. know that's... I've had that now. I don't have kids. It was tough. No, I don't have kids, but even just listening to the story, it's like, wow, that's a lot. That's a lot to process. And I know that those moments really heighten their absence and really heighten what we're missing out on in life and what you're missing out on in terms of your own parents and...

the type of moment that parents would step in, Like those are exactly the moments where you need them. to be confronted with that alongside just all the things, all these things carry trauma, a level of trauma that we process over our lifetime. And the version of Tara that had to become an adult so quickly and navigate life and figure out a state stuff and how to navigate life with grief. And then the version of Tara that's now figuring out

motherhood as somebody without her parents and a daughter without her grandparents in the physical form. And I say that in physical form, I'm curious, have you fostered a sense of connection with them in spirit? And is that something that you foster within your daughter's understanding? Yeah, I love this question and thank you for asking it. And it is a work in progress, I will just say.

Logistically, I just need to get better about having moments of downtime to meditate or just have them not be so busy to where I can actually feel them around. It's one of my biggest flaws. I'm a lot like my mother. I'm on the go a lot. I got a lot going on. And I love that. It's great. But I also need to bring in Greg. I need to bring in my dad. And it's just like, slow down and just breathe or do something.

I don't know, I'm a beautiful mixture of both of them in a way, which I also love. That's a way of like continued bonds, I guess, to almost kind of answer your question. It's like, almost feel like I embody both of them in such a cool way, but I make it very much my own. And I love that because we are their DNA, right? So that's beautiful. And now with my daughter being a continuation, I post about her every so often, but she...

has blonde hair, which my mom had short blonde hair, is curly. So I don't think my daughter's going to stick with blonde. It'll probably go darker because most of my husband and are dark. right now, she has blonde hair, blue eyes. She is so much like my mom will be on a walk, and she's stopping to smell every flower, which my mom did. You couldn't get a word in edgewise, or this woman would be like, over here, squirrel, looking at a flower. I'm like, bring it back. And she's exactly like her in that way. So I always hope.

my daughter Audrey, like I always hope that she has that childlike quality that my mom had. And I'm also trying to bring that into my life too. Cause like there was sometimes my dad took life pretty seriously. You can't be like a criminal defense attorney and not take life a little too seriously sometimes maybe. But he was very intellectual and loved Shakespeare and played guitar and was an artist. Like he was such a dynamic guy. And so was my mom in a totally different way, but they like balanced each other and compliment each other so well.

And so that's why I like love the mixture of both. And so that's what I try and embody in a way that feels good and authentic to me. And so yeah, there are some moments where I might call mom in a little more, I might call dad in a little more. Like I might feel just not even so much their presence, although I would love to feel more physically. Like that's something I kind of want to work on and just allowing more for like the physical sensations to come up, but like.

It's almost just an inner knowing or it's like a, there's like clear cognizance, right? It's like, that's one of the clairs and you just kind of know things. Or like, I get like a little download or something and I'm just like, I don't I feel like that was from my brain. And it might not even be from theirs. I don't know. Cause I do believe that we have angels and spirit guides. That's like talk about the woo woo spirituality stuff like those are the podcasts I will sometimes listen to like Abby Bernstein and all these like beautiful people that are bringing that into my conscious and.

like consciousness and I love that. And so that's where I feel like I bring them in. And I also have these like, I don't have them in my room right now, but these like angel and aura cards that I'll do every few days and I'll just like kind of ask for a message and I'll call them in and my guides and angels and I get some really good messages. And then it's like in those moments, cause that's like the 30 seconds that I can like give right now to do those things as I make more time for myself that I.

really do try and be super uber present and like literally envision them coming onto either side of me. And my mom's always on my right, my dad's always on my left. I don't know what that is, but yeah, and making time for those. So I guess I'll just say to anyone here listening like that wants a sign or symbol or is looking for that kind of thing. Like I do genuinely think it's a learning that I'm going through. Like I said right now, like you might need to make the time for it. Like, and even if it's not through a huge meditation, just

taking five deep breaths, you know, just throughout your day. And also that's just really good to do regardless. Like when was the last time anyone took a deep breath? Like I am very guilty of it. I need to do it more often. But then, yeah, just whatever those continuing bonds look like for you. like, you know, there's certain ways I try and keep them alive in traditions or certain holidays or things like that. But like, I think for me, almost what's more important is the day-to-day stuff.

and keeping them alive there and just like feeling their energy that way. And, you know, I have little signs and symbols for each of them. So a certain bird or coins or something like that. And there's like a really serendipitous thing that happened the other day. I won't tell the story, but it's just like, they like to give little nudges, but we have to be open to them, not forcing it, trying to look for it and like just be present, be present and aware enough to pay attention.

to the little ways that they might be trying to be like, hey, what's up? I'm here. Or like lead us to see the penny on the ground, right? Like those types of things. So feel like that's where I've been able to lean in to that more. But like I said, it's a work in progress for sure. It is. I appreciate that you keep those channels open and that curiosity open. And just like you said, be present. think grief makes us, it sharpens our ability to notice things, like the art of noticing.

And in that we can start sensing those points of connection. It sounds like you've done that beautifully. Even if life is busy and I've seen pictures of your parents, they look like they would have been just the funnest grandparents and just doting over your daughter. Like they just look amazing. And I could definitely see them shining through you. So thank you for sharing them with us, Princess.

Your stories your honesty your wisdom everything you're coaching all the things that you do You are truly such a light and I'm so grateful and honored to know you and consider you a friend now in the grief space fellow podcaster all the things We are getting to the end here But I do want to give you the room to just maybe say something that you want included in this conversation That we didn't touch on and if you feel it's complete, then that's fine, too. Yeah, I've rambled a lot today. So I don't want to go on no, I think

I guess just with anybody who's maybe, know, wherever you're at in your loss today, but you're maybe just feeling a little lost or feeling a little maybe incomplete, or maybe there is that little like tickle in the back of your brain and like, huh, what could there be more for me? Like I don't wanna, like I said earlier, like I don't wanna waste my time here. I wanna do something cool. I wanna do something that lights me up. wanna...

I don't know what it is, I don't know where to start, but I just, I wanna feel better. And I wanna like know that there's more out there for me. All I can say is, and this is so, like I'm laughing because God, if I had heard this in my earlier days too, I'd be like, okay. But just know that that's out there, that's possible. It's gonna look different for you than it will with the person next to you. Let that be okay.

It's such a path of authenticity too, and like really stepping into who you are and stepping into your power and beyond your purpose even, although that's, you know, it's a big part of it too. And that's a really fun process. Obviously I talked about that, but like, just know that this new version of you, it's okay to let them in. It's okay to get curious about them even if you don't understand it yet or.

you're struggling with who that is and where to start. Like there are places to start if it's just a five minute journaling practice. And I'm not a free writing girl. It's hard for me to free write. I really want to incorporate more of that in my life too. But like I have a journal also, I should probably mention that's on Amazon. It's a really simple five minute practice in the morning and the evening. And I like designed it specifically for people going through grief because we need a little something different. And

That practice was really powerful and impactful for me on those days where I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to be grateful for, because life did me really, in my mind back then, still feel this way a little bit, but life did me really dirty. That's how I felt, and I was a little resentful there for a bit. But the more that we can focus on feeling 1 % better every day, and think about that, what's going to make you feel 1 % better today?

Is it a cup of coffee? Is it going on a walk? Is it FaceTime me with a friend? Is it reading a chapter of a book that like lets you escape for a little bit? Like whatever your like vice is, like allow that in. Okay, perfect, beautiful. And then invite the next thing in and just, yeah, know that you don't have to rush yourself despite what society and other people and other, again, outside forces might.

make you think or make you feel. I say grief is like a really sacred process and just grieving and all of that and all it entails. And there's a reason they're called grief waves. Like they do come and go. But they do soften with time, I promise. But it takes some work. It takes some work to get there. And it takes the right coping tools and a beautiful community. And it helps to have people around.

who can get it or at least be an ally or at least if nothing else, not try and like fix it and make it better and just be able to like sit with you in that. So definitely encourage finding those people too. They can just let you be where you are. Beautifully said. Those are the ways that we can do life with grief. Yeah. So thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. The final question is what would...

Tara today saved to the version of Tara after she realized she's facing life without mom, dad, and princess. Lord. Very simply, I guess, like you are gonna be okay. You are gonna feel like you're on steady ground one day. It's not gonna be tomorrow. It's not even gonna be in like a few months, probably not even in this first year. So just like know that. And I don't say that to scare you. I don't say that to...

to do anything and make you feel badly about it. like, yeah, you're gonna struggle and you're gonna have some very low, painful, scary, very overwhelming moments, but you are gonna be okay. And not only are gonna be okay, but like, you're gonna be helping other people through this one day that you're gonna be so okay. And like, you're, it's...

you're going to be so much more than okay. Like you're, I don't want to say I'm like thriving. feel like that's such a big word, but like, you know, cause again, with like the little moments of grief that come in, I'm like, am I thriving? I don't know. But you're going to be able to like manage your life and your emotions and just the way that you walk through life in a way that you didn't ever think you were probably capable. Yeah. Think you were capable of doing.

and just know that, hold on to that in those dark moments. And with everything you have, just know that that is coming for you one day, even though it's not immediate. There's a lot of things I'd probably tell myself, but that's like, yeah, first and foremost, I think. Thank you so much, Tara. Thank you for your time. Thank you for all you do. And thank you for being you. Thank you so much. I love this. That's it for today's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the Grief in Light podcast.

I'd also love to connect with you and hear your thoughts and your stories. Feel free to share them with me via my Instagram page at griefandlight or you can also visit griefandlight.com for more information and updates. Thank you so much for being here, for being you, and always remember you are not alone.