GRIEF AND LIGHT

Grieving While Parenting: Mindfulness, Mental Health, and Motherhood with Reshma Kearney

• Nina Rodriguez • Season 4 • Episode 88

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How do you grieve while parenting? How do you tend to your own heartbreak and hold space for your children’s?

In this heartfelt conversation with Reshma Kearney, a Trauma-Informed Mindfulness and Healing Guide, shares her journey after losing her husband, Sean, to suicide. She opens up about navigating grief as a solo parent, communicating loss with honesty, and finding moments of presence through mindfulness in the first three years of grief.

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This episode is also available in video here.

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Reshma’s story touches on the complexities of mental health, cultural perspectives on grief, and the delicate balance of creating new traditions while honoring those we’ve lost. Through her experience, she reminds us that grief is not something to fix, but something to tend to, with gentleness, awareness, and grace.

Whether you’re parenting through loss, supporting someone who is, or learning to meet your own pain with compassion, this episode offers warmth, wisdom, and ways forward.

Key Takeaways:

  • Grief is non-linear, and there’s no “right way” to heal.
  • Mindfulness helps bring steadiness and presence to painful moments.
  • Children grieve differently; their process deserves honesty and patience.
  • Truthful communication about death fosters safety and healing.
  • Cultural background shapes how grief is expressed and supported.
  • Emotions like anger, guilt, or relief are natural parts of grief.
  • Creating new traditions can help families honor loved ones meaningfully.
  • Small moments of joy can coexist with deep sorrow.
  • Open conversations about mental health can save lives.
  • Parenting through grief calls for grace, flexibility, and self-compassion.

Guest: Reshma Kearney

Hosted by: Nina Rodriguez

Grief Support Resources for the Road:

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Disclaimer: griefandlight.com/safetyanddisclaimers

you're in this moment as a mother, you have to make a decision that could potentially destroy your kids' lives forever. That's how I felt. I felt like if I made the wrong decision, you know, I just wouldn't be able to live with myself. And he said he would tell them the truth and that it was necessary because

There would come a time in the future when I would wish that I had told them the truth. And he said, but when you get to that point, his phrase was, you can't unring that bell.

You just lost your loved one. Now what? Welcome to the Grief in Life podcast where we explore this new reality through grief-colored lenses. Openly, authentically, I'm your host, Nina Rodriguez. Let's get started. How do you tend to your own grief after losing a spouse while also guiding your children through theirs? Today's guest is Rach Mc Kearney, who knows this question intimately.

After losing her husband Sean to suicide, Reshma found herself navigating the depths of grief while raising three children as a solo parent. She turned to mindfulness and healing practice not just to survive, but to find moments of steadiness, resilience, and peace amidst loss. What began as her own lifeline since has become her life's work. And today, Reshma is a trauma-informed mindfulness and healing guide.

offering support for men, women, and children. I am absolutely honored to have you here today. Reshma, welcome to Grief and Light.

Thank you so much, Nina. I'm truly honored to be here. And thank you for the space you've created with your podcast and your page.

That's well received. It's an absolute honor and thank you for the work you're doing as well. I know it's helping many. And I want to begin by saying this is the third year since Sean's passing. And I know that each anniversary tends to feel a little different. So I'm curious what's showing up for you and maybe your family this year.

Yeah, it was just a few days ago actually. And it's strange, I thought that we would be moving into a much lighter year. The first year is like fast moving and almost a blur now because you're just pushing through, you're getting through all the paperwork and you're setting your kids up with resources, you're trying to navigate your own healing and theirs.

And then the second year was surprisingly lighter. So I just assumed that this third year would be even lighter. And it's strangely heavy. I wouldn't say heavier, but there's this underlying heaviness that I'm feeling almost like, okay, it's sinking in now. This is our life. He's never coming back.

you know, and I can feel it in the energy in our home too. I can see it in the kids that this week has been a little bit heavier for them too.

Thank you for saying that. And I ask that question first because we have this expectation that grief is either linear or that, like you say, throughout the years it should get lighter. And it is so surprising, I resonate with what you said, because as the years go by, that permanency sinks in and I'm not sure we quite ever get used to that. It's like there's these moments of, wow, this really is forever and there's nothing to be undone. So I thank you for sharing that aspect of it.

For our audience, though, they get to know a bit about your story, who was Sean, and what do you remember about those early days before and after in terms of grief?

Sean was, he was an amazing person and extremely talented, smart, hardworking, multi-dimensional. He could be in a room of, you know, children or adult men or teenage girls and he knew how to hold space for them and listen and he had so many things to be proud of and yet he never

shared that with people. And I loved that and hated that about him at the same time, because I thought a lot of times, you you have so many things to talk about, just share, it's okay, you know, be proud. And when we first met, he had been struggling with depression and anxiety. And when we first met, about a month or two after we met, his dad passed away and he was only 28.

and he had grown up with parents getting divorced and having estrangement with his siblings. So there were struggles when we met, but it was almost like every year those struggles got a little bit harder, darker, lasted a little bit longer. And then the years leading up to his death, he had a lot of big changes. We all did. 2020, you know, is the peak of the pandemic.

Also in 2020, we moved from North Carolina to Georgia State. And soon after we moved, he was deployed to Syria.

gone for seven months, came back, separated from the army, and then a couple months later moved out to the Seattle area to start private practice and orthopedics. So it was a lot, a lot of layers, and I don't think he ever gave himself time to work through those layers and to process how he might have been feeling through all of that.

And the couple months before he passed away, we reunited in the Seattle area after the kids and I wrapped up school in Georgia. And it was great. We had an amazing summer and we were making plans for the future, enjoying the Pacific Northwest where we had been hoping to get back to for so many years. And then school started, he got really busy with his new job and

I started to see a little bit of disconnection, a little bit more of expression of stress and anxiety, but I thought all of those things were just a natural part of his transition at an Army Medical Center and then moving out to the civilian world.

Thank you for naming that and the fact that so much change in such little time without processing it and without having that transition to integrate how different those changes are carries its own grief. And I want to highlight that grief is not just related to the loss of a person or pet. It's also these in-between life events that change our lives. I have a hard time imagining what it's like to go from Syria to suburbia to then, you know, civilian life in such a short amount of time and not have that.

time to process, if you will. Or not, maybe he had time. I don't know this, but I'm saying maybe he internalized, it sounds like, a lot of what he was experiencing emotionally. So you have this new life, you move to suburbia, you're noticing these changes, you're noticing something's not quite right. And how do you go, you know, from there to learning eventually of his passing? And how did your children receive the news of his passing?

Yeah.

Yeah, I remember the week leading up to his death. In fact, you know, every year so far I replay all those days, like leading up to the anniversary. And that week was, overall it was good. It was mixed emotionally. We had my youngest birthday party just five days before she had turned seven, six days prior. And then during the work week, he had

some challenges at work that he was vocal about. And I thought these were just part of the growing pains of starting a new job and being among new colleagues. So I encouraged him to just keep going and you know, that things would be better. And he had a fishing trip planned for the day after he died actually. So that would have been October 1st and he had been balancing work with packing for the trip and

preparing and learning things about the various fishing rods that I know nothing about. And I thought he was doing okay. He had, you know, it's like, we always hear about the signs of suicide and that's why I'm so vocal about not emphasizing that message with no caveats because it puts so much guilt on us. That week before he died, I saw a disconnect.

say at the dinner table or at a soccer game with the kids. But I didn't see him disconnect from life and people. And he wasn't giving things away or talking about dying. So I didn't see signs that week. He had plans for the future. We had a lot of good things happening. And he seemed happy most of the time.

The night before he passed away, he was really upset about work and also questioning whether or not he should go on the fishing trip. And I told him that he should go. And I did say that you've been planning this with your friend for so many months. You can't, you know, I said you can't let him down by canceling the slate.

Would I have said that if I had known what was happening in his mind? Absolutely not. But in that moment, I thought you've made these plans and you were looking forward to them. So he went to bed. I stayed up a little bit later. I went to bed. And then the next morning he was still in bed sleeping when I got up. And that was normal because a lot of times he had a later day, a later start. So I went downstairs, got the kids ready for school.

and took them, didn't walk them all the way to school, just left for five minutes and came back home and I found him.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you. Yeah, it was a shock. I've been asked before if when I had to try to get into the room and I couldn't and somebody asked me, well, at that point, did you suspect anything? And even then, I never thought that that's what had happened. I thought maybe he was upset because I didn't give him the support he...

might have needed the night before. Maybe he was hoping to hear something else from me and he didn't and so he was upset. So I never thought at all there was not a moment when I thought that that's what had happened.

Thank you for naming that. And again, my heart goes out to you and your family because that moment always stays with us. And it's something that we can't unsee, we can't forget about. And it's such a defining moment. I want to highlight something you said about the signs, right? Because people who struggle with depression, it's not always clear, it's not always evident, it's not always, I would argue most often than not, it's not as visible as people think. And that's part of why it's so complex to navigate.

There is this commercial that comes to mind specifically talking about mental health and suicidality. And it's these two older gentlemen going to like a football game. Have you seen that one? Yeah. And for context, for the audience, it shows them going to different games, And one of them is really like excited and cheering. And the other one looks really down and sad. And there's this foreboding feeling of like the down and sad one is something's going to happen to this person because he looks so sad.

And after a few games, you see that the one that was like, you know, happy and joyful and cheering is missing. And it talks about, you know, this person took their own life, right? And so it highlights how we miss the sign sometimes that I call it the Robin Williams effect. They seem like so funny and joyful and full of life. And yet we're missing

what is happening on the inside. And that's why it's so important to check in with people. But then even if we do, we just don't know. So thank you for naming that. That day, that's how you found out and how did you communicate that to your children?

So I was fortunate enough to have a volunteer chaplain come to the house from the police department. And he sat with me the entire day. And when the kids were at school, I didn't call the school. You know, I was trying to get things taken care of at the house first. And a few hours after...

I asked him what I was supposed to do next and I said, I don't know what to do. And he said, well, what's your kid's normal schedule? And I said, well, today's picture day. So they're at school getting their pictures taken and they usually walk home from school. So he said, then you're going to let them walk home from school. And when they get home, you're going to introduce them to me and tell them that we have to talk.

And I said, yeah, I get that. We're going to have to talk, but what am I going to say? And he said, you're not going to say anything. I'm going to tell them. Well, what are you going to tell them? I'm going to tell them that their dad died today. And just that made me question everything. mean, this is like, you're in this moment as a mother. You have to make a decision that could potentially

destroy your kids' lives forever. That's how I felt. I felt like if I made the wrong decision, you know, I just wouldn't be able to live with myself. And he said that he would tell them the truth and that

It was necessary because there would come a time in the future when I would wish that I had told them the truth. And he said, but when you get to that point, his phrase was you can't unring that bell. And that really made me think. Like it actually made me pause and think. somehow something in my body told me to trust him.

He had had 30 years plus experience with the police department and that wasn't the first suicide case that he had seen. So I trusted him. The kids came home. My then a cousin of mine who lived, who lives an hour away came to the house. So the kids saw him and were excited, but then they saw the chaplain and said, okay, what's happening? We sat in a room together and he told them that your dad died today.

and he shot himself. And I still remember the way each of my three kids reacted and responded like it was yesterday. And the youngest had just turned seven, like I mentioned earlier. The second, my middle one was eight and my son was 10.

And the way they responded is very similar to the way they grieve now. So I'll give you examples. My son looked shocked and a single tear came down his face. My middle one just stared at us like stoic, no expression at all. And my youngest,

immediately started crying, immediately started asking questions. And one of them was, is this a joke? That was her first question. And so even now that's how they are. My oldest can show a little bit, but sometimes it's not in ways that you'd expect. It's usually an anger, to be honest. Yeah. And my middle one, it doesn't come out at all until she just can't take it anymore. And then it's just screaming and

you know, down to the ground. Like that just happened here in the living area a few days ago. And the youngest is very expressive and lets me know how she's feeling when she's feeling it and what she needs. So yeah, it was, it was hard.

can imagine. I remember the sheer shock of hearing the news, trying to process the added layers of having to think about in that moment, in that day, as you're processing everything of how do I deliver the news? How do I ensure this doesn't cause long term trauma more than it's already going to because it's the nature of everything, it's the reality? And how do I say these things out loud, right? So thank you for sharing that.

want to highlight that first of all, I'm not a therapist. This is not therapy. This is not medical advice. I have spoken with different professionals and we were talking before we recorded that one thing I really admired is that you trusting that instinct and allowing this person to deliver the news honestly without saying, passed away, transition, these words that are softer to the heart. But when it comes to children's ears and understanding from what I've heard,

It's really important to speak clearly and call it what it is. This person died. This person died by suicide. This is what this means. And speak it very clearly without any confusing language around what happened. How do you feel about that decision now, years later? And how are they navigating?

this loss now, even though you said, also want to mention this before you answer that, just because we lose one family member doesn't mean that everybody grieves the same. And I think that's one of hardest things in families and just as being human in general, it's that we don't all grieve the same. So seeing your three children, one shed a tear, one be stoic, the other one be more emotional, that changes how you have to help them through their own grief. So maybe speak to all of that wherever you'd like to start.

Yeah, your question about, you know, how do I feel about that day giving them the truth and really giving them the truth ever since that day when it comes to their dad, his mental health, the loss. You know, I had a lot of tough questions that I had to answer. You know, they've asked me about that day and what I saw and, you know, did I know and

They've even asked me, well, if you knew dad had depression and anxiety, why did you marry him? You know, a lot of tough questions. So despite that, I have absolutely no regrets about how I handled it that day. I practiced that in my parenting now, leading with truth, leading with my heart, and just knowing that

everything will be okay. It won't be easy, but it'll be okay as long as they have the truth. And you know, if you think about it, if I hadn't told them the truth, I wouldn't be sitting here with you today. I wouldn't be on social media sharing Sean's story, our family's experience and helping so many people. You know, so many people have reached out to share their own stories or to say, I'm so glad you said that because I've felt that, but I haven't.

said it out loud. And I'm truly grateful that I was advised to tell them the truth. Like I said, I have no regrets. And yeah, we've had a lot of conversations about mental health. And I think the other reason why it's been so valuable to have given them the truth is that now we get to talk about their mental health.

and my mental health. And I don't think Sean grew up like that. I know I didn't necessarily grow up. I grew up in a loving home where we were able to share our emotions, but we didn't really talk about mental health. And it was more like, you're sad. Let's go get ice cream. And now you're OK. You got to talk about it and then get a treat. It wasn't really talking about.

some of the darkness that can come into your mind and your life when you're struggling. And I'm so glad that I've opened the space up, not just publicly, but for my kids to see because now they know it's okay to talk about their own mental health. And my son has had hard times. mean, we moved to California nine months after Sean died and he had to start...

another year and then a new school and at age 11 or 12 when you're in sixth grade, that's hard. So it was hard for him and he was able to come to me and say, mom, I'm not doing well and I'm having some dark thoughts or bad thoughts and he felt safe enough to do that. So I've created that for my kids because we've been so open with each other.

that emotional safety and the fact that you've opened the door for them to walk through it as needed and given them the tools is incredibly valuable, life-affirming, and something that I'm sure they will carry forever despite everything that's happened. So I really admire the way that you've helped each of your kids through their own strengths and needs.

throughout this journey, even though it's like, you know, where do you even begin? It's you and the kids and everything. And thank you for naming the cultural aspect of it, the generational aspect of it. It's so true. I believe that shame is one of the most harmful things one can experience and internalize. If we internalize shame, it quiets us and it turns all the pain inward.

And when that pain has nowhere to go or that grief has nowhere to go and it is internalized, it will wreak havoc. It does not go away. You're not doing anybody a service by not speaking how you're feeling. So I really appreciate that you're giving a voice to this experience, empowering your children and validating, normalizing and making it okay for people to speak. That is literally life-saving. So thank you so much for what you're doing.

And I know that mindfulness plays a huge role in how you navigated all of this. So how do you define mindfulness and how do you define healing? What do those look like for you and your family today?

Mindfulness is giving 100 % of your attention to the present moment and using your breath to connect what you're feeling in your mind and your body. And why do we use our breath? It's because it not only down regulates your nervous system, but it gives us something to focus on to help bring us and keep us in the present moment. And healing

Healing has only begun for us because we've learned how to do that. We've learned how to stay in the present moment. I mean, it's so easy to go back to that day and last year and last week, right? And then to think about all the things that were supposed to happen that will never happen now for us. And that's a normal part of grief. It's okay to do that, but we have to learn how to sit in that.

you know, be comfortable in the uncomfortable and let it teach us about our own grief. Like learn about your own grief because no two people are on the same grief journey. Like you mentioned earlier, like I've said, my kids grieve differently. I'm grieving differently. We might even all feel differently about losing my husband and how we lost him.

So you have to learn about your grief in order to heal. Healing, as you know, is an ongoing journey. It's for a lifetime. And it looks different all the time. But how do we recognize that and learn to accept that? It's by giving ourselves time and space to truly check in and look inward and learn about our grief.

Absolutely, and reconcile so much of the duality and all the feelings that show up, whatever they may be. I'm curious if anger and resentment played a part with how you felt about the way in which he passed and also your children. Have they experienced that towards their dad? That's a complicated layer to navigate, so say as much or as little as you would like.

Yeah, and that's what makes mindfulness even more important because anger, jealousy, relief, these are emotions that we aren't proud of. They make us very uncomfortable. And we also don't share that enough, but it's normal. And I've talked to enough survivors of suicide loss.

to understand that those three not so expected or accepted emotions are normal. And yes, there was a lot of anger and resentment, especially those first few months. I mean, I have spoken about this on social media, but I was so angry that I didn't want to plan a funeral because I felt cheated. I felt like

You know, this was the time in our lives where all my sacrifices as a wife and a mother and a military spouse, a doctor's spouse, this was supposed to be the beginning of our future. And I felt like some contract had been broken and I was really angry. And I think I was angry, not just because he did that, but because

We knew that depression and anxiety were part of the picture for years. mean, those had been named in our family and in our home, and he recognized it. And I tried so hard to support him and help him, but at the end of the day, it was his responsibility to actually take that first step in getting help outside of our home. And that's why I was angry.

Understandably so. Thank you for naming that. The anger and the relief, they are both very, very valid. If I may, in my case, my brother struggled with addiction. I felt very relieved that we don't have to worry about where he is or is he relapsing? Is this a sign that something's wrong? Is he on a right path? Like, I don't miss that at all. At all.

And you don't have to miss those things to separate that from the fact that you miss the human and the light that they did bring into your life and their presence. thank you for saying that. And on the topic of the relationship to military and the area where it intersects with mental health, there are some statistics, if you don't mind sharing, about the instances of suicide rates, suicidality, when somebody returns home. And what kind of

change would you like to see in terms of or support the ways in which spouses and their families are supported? would change would you like to see?

So apparently, according to the Veteran Affairs research, the rate of suicide in veterans is at a peak within one year after separating from the military. And that is the one statistic that I never knew, but the one statistic that I should have known when Sean got out of the Army.

If I had known that or if I had even heard anything about military suicide rates, I think I would have been more on the alert, you know? So like the increased drinking and anger would have made me pause longer than, you know,

just to say, well, I've seen this before in him and we're gonna be okay. Because that's the thing about mental health and depression and anxiety. A lot of survivors of suicide loss have seen trends, but it always ends up okay. So you don't know when the last time is that you're gonna see that trend. You don't know because you've just seen it for so many years.

And I wish I had known. think that when service members separate from the military, families should be included. They should be included in that exit interview. I remember asking my husband about the exit interview because I was curious and it involved a presentation on exiting all the different offices and the paperwork and setting up.

investment accounts and things like that. I didn't hear anything about mental health checking in. I don't know if he received those statistics and I didn't see anything in terms of pamphlets or advertising or information. That's not to say there wasn't anything. I don't know. He could have easily not shown it to me, but I personally didn't have any information. And even after he passed away,

Nobody reached out to me from the military. It's very hard to even talk to anyone in the veteran affairs office. So there just needs to be more communication and transparency. And I think civilians don't realize that, although it looks like the military really cares about families and

honors service members for their sacrifice. It's not like that. I've never felt like that. I've never felt held by the military despite my husband's three deployments, the years that he devoted to the military, the multiple months that we were apart. I've never truly felt held. And I think that needs to change.

Absolutely. I'm sorry you didn't get that. That is such a crucial part, that transition, that off-ramp, if you will, between service and civilian life needs to be supported through and through and I would say beyond. There has to be a line of continuity in care, especially mental health care. I've interviewed other people who support service members and they say, when you're in combat, your nervous system is prepped for war.

How do you turn that switch off when you come home? How do you reconcile that you have to be a family man, a father, a son, a brother, whatever role you play, or if you're a woman, and how do you transition between one and the other? That needs to be supported. The onus should not be on simply the service member or even their family. It should be a system of support. So thank you for saying that. I also know that your cultural

background played a role in how grief is spoken of or not spoken of. And I'm curious how that has impacted your journey and what changes you wish took place in terms of the conversations, culturally speaking.

Mental health, especially suicide loss, has never been an easy topic to approach in South Asian families. I think that a lot of changes starting to occur now, there's been a shift. Younger generations are speaking up more and breaking that cycle. But I know for me personally, the day that Sean died, my thought was, I'm probably the only South Asian woman.

who's lost her husband to suicide. I didn't know anybody else until I started sharing my story. That's when people started reaching out to say, I'm also a South Asian woman. I lost my husband to suicide. I haven't been able to talk to anybody about it. My family hasn't told people that that's how he died. They've said it's a heart attack or he died in his sleep. That makes it incredible.

incredibly hard to grieve, to heal. It's so isolating when you feel like not only that you're the only one, but that nobody wants to talk about it or that you're being judged. Either you are being judged or your loved one is being judged for his or her mental health struggles and ultimate

decision to end their life.

Thank you for naming that. And I've also heard about it in terms of generations because we are much more open now for whatever reason. I think it has to do with COVID and social media. After that, there was like an opening in the public discourse about grief and loss. But I remember growing up and, you know, my father saying, we don't air our dirty laundry, we keep it at home. And that made perfect sense to him and his generation and where he comes from. Yet you do that and it festers at home and it festers in the shadows.

it rears up in really ugly and hurtful ways that a simple conversation or maybe even a hard conversation would allow that outlet, that place of having the conversations that are needed to navigate through hard things, whether it's mental health, whether it's addiction, depression, whatever it is, we need to talk about these things. So thank you for saying that as well.

Yeah, and the other thing want to add is I spent a lot of years hiding it and covering it up and yeah, you're right, you don't air your dirty laundry. And I followed that practice because number one, I felt like I was the only one who was living in a home where there were mental health struggles. And number two, I thought I'd be judged. And number three, I thought that nobody would really care.

The thing is, once somebody dies by suicide, you can't hide the mental health struggles anymore. You know, that's when everything comes out in the open. And I wish that I had shared more when he was alive because maybe we wouldn't have lost him then. That's just the importance of sharing. It's hard and you do face judgment sometimes, but I think

Overall, there is always somebody or some small group who's willing to embrace your story and be there for you.

Is that what you've found now that you're sharing?

Yeah, absolutely. And even going back to culture and family, I think that even in my own extended family, my sharing has created space for others to start talking. They feel more comfortable. And maybe I've learned now that their silence wasn't necessarily a lack of love or support, but it was a discomfort.

and a not knowing of what to do or what to say. And now that they see me very comfortably and confidently sharing, they're starting to talk more. And I'm proud of them for that and I'm grateful because it means that they've always been there and they're listening. They just didn't know what to do.

Yeah, thank you for saying that. It's so important when we allow ourselves to express and speak openly, it gives others permission to do the same, whether that's within our family or in the public discourse. So I could see that. And I'm glad you're doing that because it is helping a lot of people. It truly is. And this conversation has touched on this a few times, but what would you want people to understand about suicidality that is either like

misunderstood thing in society or a myth that people believe? So what are some things that you wish people understood about suicidality?

So I think the first, the myth that comes to mind, and I think this is because, you I just spent last month, September, raising awareness, is that if you talk about suicide with somebody who's struggling, you're planting the idea. That is a myth that I really want to highlight because talking about suicide actually does the opposite. It gives people space to

be open and feel safe to share what's going on and to even share that, yes, I'm thinking about suicide. And if you can do that with somebody, I think you can potentially save a life. A lot of people who end up dying by suicide don't talk about it, feel ashamed of their thoughts, and think that if they can't talk about it,

don't feel safe in talking about it, that the only way to end the pain is by ending their life. I think that's why it's just so important that we keep speaking up and raising awareness.

I'm grateful you mentioned that because again, it's in the keeping quiet, internalizing, shaming and shunning and putting a lid on it that it festers and it doesn't do anybody any good. So I'm glad that you mentioned that. And as a parent navigating all of this for yourself and your children, what wisdom could you share with other parents maybe navigating this in their own lives?

I would first say give yourself grace and be gentle with yourself as a parent. And in terms of parenting, grieving children while grieving, always lead with your heart and give your children opportunities to lead the way as well. Because a lot of times we don't realize how much our children can teach us about

grief about how to manage grief, how to approach grief. And I remember there was a moment where my son was having a hard time. He was sitting, I was standing, so I was kind of over him. And like, I'm trying to just fix it, you know? And I'm giving him all these suggestions and, let's go out for a walk and you should journal and how are you feeling? How are you feeling? How are you feeling?

He finally said, mom, sometimes I tell you things and I just want you to say, that sucks or yeah, that's crappy or whatever. And I just want you to listen. I don't want you to fix it. And if I need something, I'll come and ask you. Wow. And I was like, I'm so glad that I've created such a safe space for you to tell me exactly how you're feeling. I was proud of him. He

told me how he felt and what he needed and I listened. And so that's why I say let kids lead the way sometimes because they don't have like the language and the vocabulary that we do. And so a lot of their grief comes out in their behavior. And so if you can give them the space to be still and

let you know what's going on, then that just helps everybody.

Absolutely. And I love that he said that because what exactly are we trying to fix? They lost their dad, this happened, and this is the reality. I can see as a mother how you would want to do that, but I've heard you say in other interviews that it's not a cut on their hand that you're fixing. This is something that they need to learn to navigate. like you said, it's about giving them that room and you do it so beautifully. children and kids and teenagers, people younger than us are...

so wise in their own way and there's so much that we could learn. It's not a one-way thing. They teach us so much as well. And I'm curious, do you practice continued bonds with your children? Do you foster a sense of relationship with their father, even though he's not physically here?

Yeah, yeah, we do. You know, it's funny, it's almost like you mentioned before that you have relief, like the dark parts of life with your person who died by suicide or addiction, you don't miss, right? You have relief, you have peace, but somehow your connection with the good parts of their life and their story kind of deepens when they're gone. It's

It's weird, it's almost like because we don't have that constant feeling of walking on eggshells or pausing our breath when the garage door opens because we don't know what kind of mood he's gonna be in. It's like now we just connect with all the wonderful things that he held in his spirit. And so we do, have, I think we have a really good relationship with him now. We celebrate all his special days. So on his birthday, we make cupcakes and

We put them on the table and my kids sing. And they sing like if a stranger came into our home, they would think it was my birthday. Like they sing their hearts out for their dad. And it's so beautiful. And for the three year mark and every death anniversary, we've gone to the beach, we make French toast in the morning. That was his signature breakfast. And I've been told I'm not good at it. So they do it.

And then we get sandwiches from one of his favorite sandwich shops and go to the beach. And the holidays, Christmas especially, is the time when we really connect with him because that was his holiday. He loved Christmas. And so everything, like the music, the decorations, the games, the foods we eat, everything is Sean. And...

It's been so nice to see the kids really embrace that like wholeheartedly and even carry on some of the things he was doing because I've either not been able to or, you know, they've wanted to take it over.

I've never thought about it that way in terms of now that the stressful and darker parts are not a factor anymore, we get to connect with the light parts of them even though they're not physically here. So it's so true because if you hear me talking about my brother, for example, you would think he was this perfect human being that never did anything wrong and it was so perfect and wonderful. And yet the reality was very layered and it was very complex.

and he was a whole human being just like anybody else, just like myself. It's interesting how that relationship evolves with time when they're not physically here. And we also get to focus on the really beautiful aspects of who they were and who they continue to be in our lives. And I imagine Christmas, hopefully this year, will also include him and all the layers that grief has for us to navigate. I want people to get to know a bit about your work.

And what does it mean to be trauma informed? If somebody would like to work with you, how do they get a hold of you?

Yeah, I'm on Instagram and my DMs are always open. So Raisha McCarney and I have a website under my name. And right now I'm offering one-on-one support for anyone who has lost somebody to suicide, anyone who is living with mental health struggles now, and anyone who is supporting someone who's living with mental health struggles. I also had a

healing circle for survivors of suicide loss last month during the prevention awareness month. And that was every week and it was, it was really meaningful. So I'll be continuing to do that. It's free and virtual. think it's going to be twice a month until the end of the year and maybe monthly after. And for the holidays, I haven't started promoting it yet, but I will be offering a, an eight week series, one-on-one support.

where every week is themed for the holidays. So what does grief look like? How do we hold on to tradition, setting boundaries, taking care of your own nervous system, and then going into January, reflecting on the holiday season and learning how to set intentions for the new year.

And of course that will be linked in the show notes. So if you're interested in connecting or participating, by all means, check the show notes. And Christmas, not just Christmas, the holidays are so layered. A lot of people refer to it as like griefy season because it's just as much joy as it highlights their absence and everything that's happened, the turning of the page towards a new year. And that could be bittersweet. So what advice do you have for a parent, let's say, navigating

the holidays without their person and now that things look very different.

take it slow and be flexible. So I think the hardest part about our first Christmas was that I wasn't able to do everything that we had always done for the years prior. We were living in the Seattle area. My family is here in California where I am now. So our Christmas, every Christmas was always at our home. My parents and my brother would fly into whatever city we were living in at the time.

and have Christmas at our home. And so that first Christmas after Sean died, we weren't just not in our own home, but we flew to Mexico to be with family. And it was really different. And I felt a huge amount of guilt. I couldn't do the things that we were doing. And there's one thing in particular, and it's part of the advice of, know, advice to be flexible. Every year,

on Christmas Eve Eve, the 23rd, Sean would fly in oysters from the Northeast and we would do this big seafood dinner and he knew how to shuck them and grill them and make all the things for them. And so the first Christmas, I wasn't able to do that. And actually I've never been able to do it. So not just the first, even last year. So instead what we did was we went to a really nice seafood restaurant.

here in Orange County by the water, outdoor seating, and ordered oysters there. And it's now become like this special tradition remix, you know, where...

I love that tradition remix. Yeah.

Yeah, we think about Sean, we still get oysters, and then we laugh about how we have now moved this tradition so like in another direction and how he's probably laughing every year when we do that. So it's nice. And I think parents should know that as long as you lead with heart and your children know that it's going to be okay.

Like we just, don't have room for guilt and comparison in grief. It's too much, you know, and just remove that if you can.

It really shifts expectations, especially in those moments and giving ourselves grace includes, like you mentioned, that flexibility to be able to pivot as needed. You don't need to all of sudden learn how to shuck the, what is it, the clam in order to have a good Christmas or a good holiday. Like it's more important to focus on that. And I love that now it brings even laughter to think about that.

Oysters, yeah.

the thought of him and he's still included in the tradition. I remember our first Christmas, think I told my mom, not force it. She didn't have energy for anything. She said, I just want to go to sleep. And I said, that's perfectly fine. Don't force it. And I think we ordered like Chinese food and watch something on TV and everybody went to bed at like 10 or something. And that's okay. It's perfectly okay for it to look a little different. It won't be like that forever.

and it's okay if it does this year or whatever year. What does joy and hope mean to you now?

So I think in light of grief and my story and even going outside of this space, like just in the world in general, my message to everyone right now in this moment would be to remind yourselves to be kind and compassionate always. We just don't know what anybody's going through and it doesn't take a lot.

to just smile at someone and say, are you, right? And it's so important. It can be life-changing for the person on the other end of that smile. Hope and joy. Joy has always been a buzzword for me. It's always been something I've focused on and thought about a lot even before Sean passed away. Like what...

is joy and how do you feel joy because it's not just happiness. It's so much more than that. And what Sean's death has now taught me is that joy is everywhere. Like I realized that it's more than happiness, but I used to think it was this unicorn type feeling. Like how am I going to attain joy in my life?

And now I know that it's everywhere. The problem is we aren't giving ourselves the time and the quiet to understand that my warm cup of tea here and my blanket on my lap is joy. It's joy. And so what is joy to me? It is beautiful and it is everywhere. And we just have to take

the time and be open enough to find it.

sitting here nodding my head this whole time you're thinking that because absolutely we have this understanding that joy is like a firework, just loud and wow, it's just awe-inspiring and sometimes, most of the time I would argue it's quiet and it's here and it's present and it's accessible and it's simple. And as a final question here, what would Reshma today say to Reshma after Sean's passing? boy.

I don't usually cry on podcast interviews, that, yeah. man, cause I'm just, you said Reshma, you know, after Sean died, like I can see myself sitting in a room with my parents and my brother and looking at them, bawling and asking them, how will I ever do this? How am I ever gonna do this? Like my kids were a mess.

rightfully so. I was a mess and I never thought I would be here where I am right now. And so today I would love to go back to her and hold her and tell her she's going to be okay, that it's not going to be easy, but she is going to find it in her somehow to just fight like hell because she deserves it.

Her children deserve it and the memory and legacy of her husband deserves it.

Raishma, it has been an absolute honor. Thank you for what you do and the way that you show up in the world. Thank you for being you.

Thank you so much, Nina. I appreciate you.

That's it for today's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the Grief and Light podcast. I'd also love to connect with you and hear your thoughts and your stories. Feel free to share them with me via my Instagram page at griefandlight, or you can also visit griefandlight.com for more information and updates. Thank you so much for being here, for being you, and always remember, you are not alone.


People on this episode

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Nina Rodriguez

Host
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Reshma Kearney

Guest