GRIEF AND LIGHT

Soul Pets and Sacred Goodbyes: Grant Hazell on the Grief of Pet Loss

• Nina Rodriguez • Season 4 • Episode 73

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Pet loss is real grief — and it deserves real support.

In this heartfelt episode of Grief and Light, host Nina Rodriguez is joined by pet loss grief specialist, Grant Hazell, for an intimate conversation about the grief of losing a beloved animal companion. Together, they explore the deep bonds between humans and pets — often referred to as “soul pets” — and why losing them can be just as devastating as the loss of a human loved one.

You'll hear about:

  • The unique types of human–pet relationships and what makes them so significant
  • How society often invalidates or overlooks pet loss grief
  • The role pets play in the lives of seniors, children, and people with disabilities
  • Navigating anticipatory grief and the complexities of euthanasia decisions
  • How to continue the bond with your pet through rituals, memories, and honoring their legacy

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Whether you're grieving the loss of a dog, cat, service animal or any cherished companion animal, this episode offers compassionate insight and validation.

🐾 You’re not alone — your grief is real, and your soul pet mattered.

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Takeaways:

  • Pet loss is a significant form of grief that is often overlooked.
  • The bond between humans and pets can be profound and life-altering.
  • Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not socially acknowledged.
  • Understanding the human-pet bond can help validate feelings of loss.
  • Grief is a personal journey that cannot be fixed or rushed.
  • The grief of losing a pet can be as severe as losing a human loved one.
  • Older individuals may experience deeper grief due to pet loss as companions.
  • The categories of human-pet bonds help explain the depth of grief.
  • Pets often fulfill emotional needs that may not be met elsewhere. 
  • The bond between humans and pets can help alleviate feelings of isolation.
  • Anticipatory grief is a valid and often overlooked aspect of pet loss.
  • Pet loss encompasses more than just death; it includes separation and surrender.
  • Euthanasia decisions can lead to significant guilt and remorse for pet owners.
  • Grief rituals can help maintain a connection with deceased pets.
  • Love for pets continues beyond their physical presence.
  • It's important to approach pet loss with compassion and understanding.
  • People who surrender pets often face stigma and judgment from others.

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You look into their eyes and you share this mutual feeling of love and dependency and trust. It's the purest type of unconditional love. And the beautiful thing is, it's based on everything other than spoken word.

You just lost your loved one. Now what? Welcome to the Grief in Life podcast where we explore this new reality through grief-colored lenses. Openly, authentically, I'm your host, Nina Rodriguez. Let's get started. Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened. That famous quote touches at the heart of today's topic, pet loss and grieving our soul pets. I'm joined by Grant Hazel, a counselor

pet loss grief specialist and pet grief survivor. After 25 years of service in the military and law enforcement roles, turned toward a different kind of frontline, supporting people through the heartbreak of losing a beloved animal companion. Pet loss is often an example of disenfranchised grief where the loss is not socially acknowledged or supported.

We are aiming to change that with today's conversation. Thank you, Grant, for joining me today and welcome to the Grief in Life podcast.

Thank you very much, Nenis. Really nice to meet you and thank you for that wonderful introduction and bio. It's great to be here.

Likewise, it's an absolute honor and I want to give you an acknowledgement that it is very late where you're at. We're literally across the world from each other. You're in Australia, I'm in the US and I'm very grateful for your generosity of time and willingness to have this conversation so late at night where you are. But what you're doing is meaningful and it's important to validate the grief related to pets. So before we get into all of that, I would love to

or listeners to learn more about your story. How did you get to this pivot in your life where you're now focusing on pet loss and you can start wherever you'd like?

Absolutely. think, and as you know, the more that you involve yourself in grief and grief-based conversations and grief-based study, and you talk to other grief survivors, you become more aware of your own grief story. And I think you search back to not only pivotal moments that really shaped your outlook on grief, like the death of a loved one, but also events in earlier life.

And in particular, any kind of attachment or abandonment issues, or maybe you've lost someone earlier on in your life, or you had some kind of traumatic experience in relation to grief. But I remember losing a pet very young, maybe around the age of four or five. And because in my life, I'd already suffered parental abandonment, I remember losing my pet. And she was a little, tiny little dog. Her name was Nan, because she looked like a grandmother.

And Nan is a, I don't know you use it in the States, but in the UK, Nan is your grandmother. And she had an old lady's face, so she was called Nan. And I remember losing her and the grief and loss that I felt was just huge because it just triggered that abandonment all over again. And at that age, I didn't fully appreciate why I was feeling how I felt. just lost someone that I love so much, this companion animal.

And that stayed with me through my life. I then grew up in a house of addiction. then I had an understanding of people and always people fascinated me why they chose to do certain things, how addiction led people down certain paths. Human behavior began to fascinate me that there was a reason behind everything.

Then turned to time in the military and in the police service where I witnessed a fair amount of trauma. But at the heart of those things, I was always someone who would look out for and help somebody else. So in the military, helping people around me, then into the police force, helping members of the public and just being there and assisting them with trauma and obviously many grief related matters as well. We then moved into, my family and I began to rescue

greyhounds, so rescue retired greyhounds that had been racing. And after they finished racing, they need somewhere to go. So we really started to fight for their cause and began to foster and adopt these beautiful animals. And in around 2020, we adopted two beautiful dogs, Stella and Hope, they're both greyhounds.

In 2021, we lost both of them within a month. died from natural causes and she was euthanized at home. was a very peaceful death. And a month after that, Stella was attacked on a local dog beach and she died as a result of her injury 72 hours later. And just that feeling that I had.

not only was dealing with a succession of losses in such a short space of time, but Stella was very much my heart pet. And she came into my life at a time when I'd recently lost my mother. And so Stella really became that, she filled that spiritual void. You know, I was looking for something, something so huge was missing from my life. And although I have my immediate family here,

You know, there was something else missing and Stella came into my life and she really filled that void and I bonded with her because again, my abandonment had been triggered once again from events from when I was a child. So then Stella came into my life and she's fulfilled that need. She's filled that void for me. And then to lose her in such traumatic circumstances a month after losing hope was just so impactful and so profound.

And then we were left with one dog and he was a little family dog. His name was Scruffy and he was a little mongrel. So he was crossed between a Jack Russell and a Shih Tzu. He was a feisty little thing, but he grew up with my sons. So he was very much a family dog. We had him for 10 years. And when we lost the girls, I had this assumption because we always feel that we're in control of things. We always feel we have more control than what we do in life.

We thought we'd had Scruffy for maybe a little bit longer, but then he died the very next year through stomach cancer. And that was a different type of loss. So I felt that the loss of the girls was different because they represented different things. They lived and they possessed different qualities and they brought different things to my life. And losing Scruffy wasn't only losing someone else that I loved.

It also represented the loss of my boy's childhood because they'd just gone into adulthood. So there's so much loss and so much feeling attached to losing Scruffy and to lose three of them within the space of 18 months, it was really impactful. And I remember looking around for resources and help and counseling and

I saw some local counselors, but I just never felt that anyone had a proper understanding or was getting exactly from where I was coming from. I saw a grief counselor and some other specialists in that space and they were helpful, but I just thought that there was something missing. I thought that there was that lack of understanding of the bond and in no way was my grief diminished or trivialized in any way, but I just

didn't feel that I was being got to the point that I felt that I needed to be. I didn't feel that validity was there to the point that it needed to be. That then set something off and I thought, what can I do in this space? How can I channel my emotions, my experience, my passion for helping and dealing with people?

how can I then channel that into a way that's going to become beneficial to try and help other people that may have been in my situation and were looking around and didn't find or couldn't find the resources that they needed. So I took it upon myself first and foremost to commence studies as a counselor. And so I completed my counseling diploma here in Australia. I then...

sought out a recognized qualification in the pet loss space and I completed the training via the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement to become a pet loss crease specialist. It was a wonderful course from an absolutely wonderful nonprofit organization. The content, the teachers, everything was wonderful from beginning to end. And upon finishing that course, I then began to spread

my skills out into the open, speak to clients, work with clients on a one-to-one basis, work with another company, Jasper, who offer a pet loss support system and offer free counseling support sessions with them on a weekly basis. So I think just the time was just right for a different approach, a new approach that enabled me to really push forward with my experiences, my love.

of animals, my understanding of the bond and that lived experience, which I think is so very important in the pet loss space. The person who I'm sitting across the table from or across the room from, they really need to know that I've been there to some extent. And I always say that I'm never going to understand a hundred percent what you're going through, but I have a degree of understanding. I have a degree of understanding and I think that

just helps with that initial rapport, that initial bond and really sets that platform to then move forward and begin talking about the human pet bond and the other science and study that is quite particular to pet loss.

Absolutely. Thank you for sharing that arc of change throughout your life and the common thread that runs through it of ultimately just really caring deeply about helping and about helping people navigate difficult moments in their lives. Thank you for answering that calling as well because a lot of people feel that but they don't necessarily pursue the path that it takes to become that source of support. And I'm sure so many benefit from your understanding, your deep, deep.

heart-centered understanding and lived experience plus your professional experience. With this conversation, we also honor Nan, Stella, Hope and Scruffy and their memory, which is so special. When you said Scruffy reminds me of my own, I should have named him Scruffy because that's what he looks like, my own rescue that I got after my brother's passing. And I would argue that he literally saved my life and these pets come into our lives at such key moments.

They also leave at very symbolic and significant moments, which is something that I've heard other grievers express that this dog or pet, whatever pet you're attached to, was there for a very meaningful and significant moment in their lives. And then it's almost like they fulfill a duty and then they go. But before we get into all of that, you had discussed on your podcast the four categories of human

And that was fascinating to me. If you could share with our audience what those are and then just give examples of each one, that would be really helpful.

So there are four categories of human pet bond. And it helps us to understand that, to know why has it impacted me so much? Why has their death impacted me so much? Why did they mean so much to me? What was it? What's that thing? Why has this grief hit me like a freight train? I didn't see this coming. I didn't anticipate that I was going to feel so grief stricken.

So why is it? And then I have a conversation with clients about the human pet bond, which allows them to understand a little bit of background. And again, without putting people into pigeonholes, and it's never about that, it's just validating and providing a little bit of information, a little bit of insight into why they may feel as severe as what they do in regard to their emotions. So the first category of human pet bond is weakly bonded.

And when someone is weakly bonded with their pet, it could be when the pet serves a specific purpose or utility. So for instance, it could be a guard dog. It's going to guard the premises of some description. Maybe someone has a pet who they make money from for a fighting dog or something like that. There is no love there. There's no affection. The pet is kept alive purely to perform that particular function.

When the pet dies, there isn't going to be an emotional response. It will just be replaced again because it was there just to perform that particular service. And when that pet goes, there's no grief. It was there to perform that function. So the person's going to get another pet. Funny enough, those aren't the people that I see.

The next category is moderately bonded. It's one step up from the previous bonding category. People in this category of human pet bond, they have some affection towards their pet. But again, it's very much a one-way transactional relationship. The animal performs a function, the owner of the pet and they

would consider themselves to be an owner as opposed to a pet parent or a pet guardian will have the pet again because it suits their particular needs. So as an example for this, I would give a greyhound trainer who races greyhounds, who has some affection for the pet, who would spend money to keep the pet fit and healthy. But once again, it is so that the pet can perform a particular function and a particular utility, which is to earn money.

When that pet no longer meets that criteria, when it's no longer fit enough to do so, then the animal is then cast aside. If that pet was to die, then I'm sure there would be a degree of sadness. But again, because the animal was there to perform a function in that one-way transactional relationship, the pet would then be replaced. Because the sole purpose of having the animal in that person's life

was to generate income or some benefit for the owner. And that leads us with the last two categories. And the next category is the person that I see the most. So someone who's profoundly bonded. And when you're profoundly bonded with your pet, you have this relationship with them that you elevate them above a lot of people in your life.

They're very special to you. You develop a sixth sense with them that you look into their eyes and you share this mutual feeling of love and dependency and trust and unconditional love. And these relationships are built up over time and they can often be the result of abandonment issues or unmet attachment needs.

or maybe unmet needs throughout our adult lives. All of a sudden we've found a living creature, we've found somebody that's never going to hurt us. They're not going to lie to us, they're not going to abuse us, they're not going to traumatize us, they're not going to abandon us, they're not going to look at us in the morning and say, don't look too good today. It's the purest type of unconditional love.

And the beautiful thing is it's based on everything other than spoken word. In times where this people have so much to say and perhaps don't have so much time to listen or the inclination to listen. The beautiful thing about a profound bond with a pet is it's based on everything other than spoken word. We might give them nicknames. They'll be our fair babies or one I heard recently was skinfent.

and we really do take them close to our heart.

That's a new one for me. That's funny.

Yeah. They sleep in beds, they sleep on our sofas, we put clothing on them. They just become like children to some. And some people see no different. Some people see no different at all in relation to actually having a human child to a pet child, because they fulfill that need. They fulfill that need for love and closeness.

and parental responsibility and nurturing and care and touch, all of those things which humans crave. And if people choose not to have children or they don't have children for whatever reason, sometimes a pet can become that to them. And so they then become profoundly bonded. And then when you lose a profound bond, when that's severed,

Well, you know, so deeply impactful because you've lost all of those things, that emotional muscle memory, the way that you, you're so used to feeling when you walk in the door after a day's work or when you come home from a social event, a social event, you're used to seeing your pet, you're used to feeling a certain way. And then all of a sudden you don't have that. And it's very confronting.

And people then just go into a complete tailspin and are confused as to their emotions. They're not sure where to turn. The places that they do turn don't fully validate their grief. As you quite rightly pointed out, Nina, pet grief is disenfranchised grief. So it's not fully accepted by society. It doesn't comply with those societal norms and expectations.

Society likes to put a timeframe on pet grief, or it likes to rush the pet griever. So many people would want to try and fix you when you're grieving your pet as well. That we should be thankful that we had them for so long. That we could just get another pet as a substitute. That they're in a better place now. All of those things which we hear

that also apply to human grief. They're also said within the pet loss space, but they're said with more of an expectation that you, okay, you've had your grieving time now. You've had your grieving time. And people who are uncomfortable with emotions, uncomfortable talking about grief, again, they might go into fixing mode.

especially men of a certain generation. My clients tell me this all the time because that's how they demonstrate love, right? They don't mean to. They don't mean to be harsh or brash or diminish or invalidate someone's pet grief. But sometimes people can't say that, I love you or sit down and be open with emotion. So what can I do? If a roof's leaking and someone can fix a roof, that's an act of love. If the car's not working too good, if it's leaking oil, they'll...

fix the car and that's an act of love. So then when you've got someone who appears to be broken emotionally, some people go into fixing mode again and try and offer these words of advice and try to fix. as we know, grief isn't something that can be fixed. So the timeframes that put on pet grief can be really harsh. The comments which seem to be helpful, which absolutely aren't.

are very harsh as well. And they really put the pet griever into a tailspin and they don't know where to turn. And I think that's why when people have these profound bonds, they may not fully appreciate the depth of the bond during life because it's an everyday thing. think like most things in life, you know, we don't often appreciate something as much as what we should until we don't have it.

And then all of a sudden we don't have it and wow, it's such a shock to the system.

So those are the three main categories of the human-pet bond. And the profound bond is the one I encounter more often than not. We then have the fourth category, which is excessively bonded. Now an excessively bonded human-pet relationship generally has a degree of pathology attached to it. perhaps someone who's dealing with clinical depression or another

diagnosed issue that they're contending with. Maybe they've suffered a history of trauma at the hands of people. People just aren't there to be trusted. A lot of people in their life perhaps have been completely excluded because of trust issues. People have been unable to meet their needs throughout the course of their life and their pet is the love of their life. It's their

primary attachment figure, it's their social network, it's their emotional support network, it's their family, their best friend, their partner and their child. At the exclusion of just about everything and everyone else. And then when people lose those pets, the impact is incredibly severe and long lasting.

and often becomes complicated and typically requires a more holistic approach alongside some skilled mental health professionals. In addition to myself who can give that lived experience and also some pet loss support strategies, they typically require some expert led assistance as well, just to try and assist them along the way.

Thank you so much for breaking it down that way. I'd never heard that perspective prior to hearing it from you. And I would imagine if somebody's listening or watching that you can probably relate to the profoundly bonded. So then the category number three, if you will, of the attachment. And if for whatever reason you felt seen when he was describing the fourth one, which is excessively bonded, then

I hope there's a sense of awareness that there may be something else operating here in the background. It's not just the grief of the pet loss. There's something else to it. So really good information to know for myself or other people that we talk to and we encounter. I do remember, for example, when my brother passed, my mother's friend said, well, I know what you mean because I lost my cat of 20 years. And initially, that was a very cringe statement. We were like, what? We were talking about it.

her son versus your cat and all these things. there's nuance here because you don't want to grief hijack. In an attempt to relate, we often start sharing our losses. Like if Grant says, I just lost Stella and I'm like, well, I just lost so and so. The intention is usually in the right place, but the delivery is off and it actually causes more harm than good. So just listen, learn from the pets and be embodied presence without saying anything. You don't need words, less is more.

in terms of grief and supporting other people. But in hindsight, with some distance between the loss, I could also see what she was trying to say. She was trying to say, my companion of 20 years passed and I know what it's like to have that void in the home and that grief, that longing and the yearning and the pain of what you're going through. with some distance, we were able to appreciate and acknowledge that she felt probably very similar to what my mother felt.

It's this grief is this and that it's the both and of life. I would like to read some facts here that I've researched just to really get it in our listeners minds and hearts that this is a valid form of grief. There's research behind this everything that Grant beautifully stated, especially if you've experienced peg.

grief, you know how real it is, you know how valid it is. We also want to validate it externally for you. So let me read these very quickly. So in studies in 2012, the lack of recognition of pet loss can lead to prolonged or complicated grief because people feel isolated or ashamed for mourning just a pet. And I'm using air quotes here, just a pet. And I hear that a lot. It was just a dog. It was just a cat. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. It wasn't. It was so much more than that.

In 2017, there was a study published in psychiatry research that says those who had recently lost a pet had significantly higher scores of depression, anxiety, and stress, especially if they lacked social support. And the support is key in grief, especially early on, whether it's pet loss or any other life-altering loss. But just know that grief in and of itself is not a pathology, but it can lead if unattended or suppressed. could get complicated in other ways. Also,

the emotional closeness and maybe you could shed some light on this, Grant, the emotional closeness that somebody feels to their pet has nothing necessarily to do with the species of the animal or the length that you had the pet. Like you said, you had Luna and Hope for less time than you probably wanted, but the bond is very significant and it's life altering. So maybe shed some light on that and also

Elderly and single individuals are often more deeply impacted by pet loss, especially if their pet was their primary companion. So there's so much to dig into. Start wherever you'd like and perhaps some examples on your own experience and what you see with your clients.

Sure. So I'll start with older people. And I it's a matter of fact that when we get older, we start to lose. You know, we lose our health. We lose family, we lose friends, we lose social interactions. And I think getting older and isolation, not always, but can go hand in hand.

It's the very nature of life. And older people, when they become pet guardians or pet parents, then that pet becomes it for them. It becomes this pillar or this constant, this figure of independence that helps them be independent and maybe form social bonds with

Other pet owners in the immediate area gives them a reason to get up in the morning to care for something when perhaps they haven't been able to care for a family member for quite some time if they're living on their own. That gives them a reason to go on, a reason to want to keep going. Opportunities to exercise, socialize and just care again and to be cared for.

And I think that's the beauty of, of pet guardianship at all stages. And I imagine even more so when you're older is you might forget how to love or you might forget how it feels to be loved because perhaps you haven't been able to love or to receive love in quite some time.

especially if you've lost someone quite significant, your partner and you're on your own. And a pet might be the only outlet for that love to remind us that we're capable of being loved. As we get older, that isolation just might come with it. And our pet is that thing that sustains us emotionally from a loving perspective and every other positive perspective that a tight bondage

relationship can give you. And the reliance is huge. It's absolutely huge. And when older people lose that, when they lose that pet, when they lose that bond, when they lose that love, that degree of independence and any social life that the pet gave them, it's deeply impactful because they then start to question time.

even more that am I going to be able to love again? Am I going to be able to adopt a pet again? How much time do I have? If I get a pet, is the pet going to be taken away from me? Am I going to pass before my pet and leave my pet alone? I've had people speak to me about all those concerns in the past and it's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking.

And those are aspects that maybe go unseen. Some things that we don't think about on an everyday basis, but if you're older or if you resonate with that scenario, it's something that's very present. And it's very worthy of acknowledging. Thank you for sharing that perspective as well. And I could absolutely see how grief plays a huge role in that. There's also the dynamic of service animals. So maybe shed a little bit of light on that.

Absolutely. So people that have service animals, in a similar fashion to older people, they rely so heavily on their pet and probably more so because it isn't just their pet. They perform such a valued and valuable function in that person's life. They provide levels of independence and mobility.

and care and levels of trust and mutual benefit across the board. People with service animals

Everyday tasks that perhaps you and I can perform quite capably and quite readily, everyday tasks these people perhaps can't afford. And without that pet, the things that they may be able to do may be limited because the pet just provides that ability to be independent, heightened levels of care and trust.

as well, you're putting so much trust in your pet to assist you with such important tasks, with mobility, with getting around, looking out for you in ways that really do transcend other levels of pet guardianship. And when people with service animals, when they lose that, when they lose those animals, they lose all of those things that their service animal

helped them achieve. So not only all of the beautiful things that a profound bond with a pet gives you, but all of those other things as well, what a service animal provides in regards to that independent and mutual trust and respect.

Beautifully stated and that is another aspect that maybe is overlooked because in the similar way that you shared the first couple of categories, somebody might look at a service dog as just performing a function, but not necessarily think of that human to pet bond because I would imagine that although yes, they are trained, each animal is trained on a certain function, the bond is different and is unique to each person and pet.

and let's say this pet responded, reacted in a way that is harmonious with this person's needs, losing that, losing the independence, losing the time spent, losing that language that you develop with your pet is devastating. I could absolutely see that. Another aspect you've touched on is that we don't just lose pets by death. So we are assuming that pet loss is the result of a death, but there's many ways that we can lose a pet. Maybe...

Touch on that.

Absolutely. So, pet loss is really an umbrella term for many different things that occur that render us to be without our pet. So, pet death is the most common. we think of, we think of pet loss, we think of pet death. But it also includes, and my clients come and see me for various things in regard to pet loss, such as anticipatory grief.

Maybe the pet has received a terminal diagnosis and the pet guardian is trying their utmost to manage that horrific stage of limbo between a diagnosis and the death of the pet. They're trapped in this awful state that they can't bear to think about the future and they can't fully enjoy the present.

And there's a lot of guilt that can occur within anticipatory grief.

Because the pet guardian is working so hard in caring for the pet, constantly thinking about the pet, spending money on medications and vet care. And part of them may want the relief of not having to perform that function anymore. The caregiver burnout is real. Now, and other things in the person's life may be suffering whilst they're

dealing with anticipatory grief and caregiver burnout and all of the financial aspects that go along with it and the things that need to be sacrificed while providing that heightened level of care. So anticipatory grief again, isn't touched upon enough. When I mention anticipatory grief to people, they say to me, that's what it's called. That's what I've been feeling. Another example of how

Pet grief isn't spoken about enough that people don't even think what they're feeling is a thing. But the more we talk about it, the more that it becomes normal and yet you are grieving now. It's okay. This is valid. This is a valid and normal and natural grieving process, anticipating the death of your pet. Fully understood and recognized. We then have, of course,

the physical losing of a pet. So if a pet runs away, someone leaves a door open or the animal escapes from a dog lead or something like that. And that's so awful because it's the wandering and our mind starts to excessively ruminate thinking about all the whys and wherefores and all these possibilities about where our pet may be.

Has my pet been taken? Is my pet in the hands of someone who's going to treat it poorly and not having any degree of closure or finality in regard to an answer is very confronting. It's very confronting. There are then cases of pet loss where people are separated from their pets. So perhaps if there's been a relationship breakdown.

And for instance, partners have had to split and the pet stays with partner one and partner two perhaps was profoundly bonded with the pet, but is no longer with them every day. Can't see them as much as what they used to. Doesn't have that emotional connection anymore. And that can be very difficult, especially if relationships start to then go really sour.

because the pet can be used as a bargaining chip and it can be very difficult for people to deal with and try and negotiate. And people have a real hard time with that. Surrendering pets as well. Now this is something that's, if we say that pet grief is disenfranchised and stigmatized, then the surrendering of the pets again has even more of a stigma attached to it. When people are

For whatever reason, they've had to give up their pet. They've had to take their pet back to the shelter or for whatever reason, they just can't, they can't handle the pet anymore. These people are almost publicly shamed.

They're ostracized. Yes, I've seen the comments when there's a post like, you know, this dog was returned to the shelter. that person should be fill in the blank. You know, there's these awful words thrown at them because the assumption is that they were irresponsible or that they were heartless about this decision.

Yeah, that's right. And again, people are so quick to judge and they don't know the backstory. We don't know the financial situation of the person. We don't know what issues the person is dealing with in their life. And although it could be considered by many that the pet stays in a home and a family environment, we don't know what that environment was like. And perhaps that person is doing the best that they can.

Maybe they feel they can't give this animal the life that it needs, the care that it needs. So it may well be in the best interest of the pet that it does go for temporary accommodation with a view to having a permanent home elsewhere. But people that do surrender, as we said, completely ostracize and oftentimes very unfairly criticized as well when we just don't know the full backstory.

So these are just some examples of all the ways that we could lose a pet and the comfort they bring us is more related to their full embodied presence, non-judgmental nature. It's a form of unconditional love that we only get to experience through the love of a pet, through caretaking of a pet. And you also mentioned the anticipatory grief, so very valid, of caring for a pet that you know is about to pass or has special needs or is struggling.

And I've also heard that there's grief after they pass and actually missing that caretaking, that ability to caretake for the pet. So there's so many great areas where we experience the grief and the loss and they're all very valid. Can you touch on, did I put them down too soon? Is this how they would have wanted to go? Did I do it the right way? Did I do them justice? What would you say to that person?

Well, guilt is huge in pet grief and euthanasia remorse is significant and a very natural feeling that we're going to have when we've had to make that decision to euthanize our pets. Because we fall into this...

not a trap, but we fall into this way of thinking that we have so much control, that we know so much. We have information at our fingertips pretty constantly. We don't really have to wait for things. We assume that we have so much knowledge and we know everything when in fact that we don't and our control is actually quite limited. And in relation to our pets, we have to lean on professional advice. And we lean on professional advice and we try to examine the facts.

But even in the face of facts, it's very difficult to make that decision that you're going to choose to end the life of your companion animal. You're going to give that go ahead. Some people get really uncomfortable, religious people, about playing God and having to make that decision that they don't have the right, they don't have the entitlement.

And it's extremely difficult. know, did I act too soon? Was I too hasty? Maybe I waited too long. I hear both of those things. I felt I should have acted sooner. I prolonged things. I wish I'd have done this. I wish I would have done that. We're just constantly looking for answers because we just don't know. There's always a big element of pet death that will remain unknown.

And we want to know all the facts again, used to having information, used to having all the facts and we just don't have it. So we have to make a decision based on professional advice on what we feel, which is built up over time through establishing that profound bond. But my advice to people is better a moment too soon than a moment too late. That's something that I've heard anecdotally vets say to people.

all across the world and lean on that professional advice. Study facts. It has to come down to objectivity, to quality of life. And there are quality of life scales that you can assess factually the quality of life of your pet in conjunction with your trusted vet to see how they are in terms of mobility.

Are they eating? Are they managing to use the toilet outside? All of those things have to be taken into account. A kind and ultimate act of love is to make that decision for them because they're incapable of making it for themselves. It really is a loving act. Euthanasia means a good death. It's to give them a good death, a merciful death.

And even for religious folk, it's mercy in the eyes of God. It's to not prolong suffering. It's to not let something you love so much continue to suffer. And you have the control over that particular aspect. As confronting as it is.

As confronting as it is, yes. And that's a tough decision. And I have heard so many people say, even though I never wanted to put Fluffy down, I regret or I doubt it or I feel guilt and all the feelings that are absolutely valid and normal that surround this loss, in the long run, it's like you say, there's that mercy and then you get to experience that mercy.

You mentioned, I think it was with Scruffy, that you had them put him down in your home, I believe it was. Could you talk about that experience and what services there are for people who unfortunately have to make that decision at some point and how to make it as gentle and loving and comforting for the pet as possible?

Absolutely. So there are home euthanasia services, depending on where you live, of course, and your accessibility to these services. So both with Hope and with Scruffy, Stella, unfortunately, she died at the vet's, that was unavoidable due to the nature of her injuries. But with Hope and Scruffy, we arranged through a local company for a vet to come to the house and with people and loved ones and other pets present.

just to humanely dis-euthanize them within the home environment and hope when she was laying on her dog bed and with Stella laying next to her, we gave her a cheeseburger moments beforehand. it was, although it's always gonna be sad, it's always gonna be sad, but when I now think back, it was a good death. She was given a painless death.

There was no suffering. It was calm. It can be very confronting, of course. Euthanasia isn't something that always goes to a particular plan, but it's in the home. Hope wasn't stressed. She was relaxed with her people in an environment that she was familiar with. Now, Scruffy was, I remember it so well, he was in the backyard. He was sniffing around the trees that he'd sniffed.

for years and years. He was with both of the boys. He was walking around. We were hugging him. And when the vet ended up having to do what the vet needed to do, he was in my arms and everyone had their hand on him. And he took his last breath whilst we were holding him closely. And we then laid him to rest on a cushion with a blanket over him under a lime tree that he always used to lay under when it was hot.

And now we managed to get like a plaque underneath that tree to memorialize him. So he's forever memorialized underneath that tree. And again, it was just, he hated the vet. Scruffy, every time he went to the vet, he would shake and just cause an issue. And if vet tried to touch him, he'd bite them. And it was so traumatic. And he had so many vet visits at the end of his life. And we thought at this time, no, he's going to be in the backyard.

And he was just walking around, sniffing things, wagging his tail, but it was time for him to go. And again, and as my younger son said, even he recognized, he said, it was a good death. And I think that's all we can ask for. We owe them that. We have to try and think beyond ourselves if we can. I know that's a very simplistic thing to say.

But we have to try and do that if we can. If we can. And that's why we need to try and lean on that professional advice to get that objectivity. Because if it's going to be purely up to us, if it's purely based on our subjectivity, we're never going to make that call.

Because we know what it means. It's irreversible.

Right. But it sounds like they leave in the arms of love and what a gift in that sense. And if you're watching and listening and are facing that decision, our hearts go out to you and we feel so much compassion for that. And I hope that Grant's words give you some kind of guidance, hope and comfort in whatever difficult decision you're facing right now because it is not easy.

And also it could be a beautiful death and a beautiful way to send them off in the most loving way. So what a gift. We are almost at the end here. I could talk to you forever about this topic. You have so much wisdom. There's so much that we could definitely get into. But I would like to touch on the concept of continued bonds with our pets. Is that a thing? How can people practice continued bonds?

Absolutely. And for me, continued bonds is very important and it goes alongside that we don't close anything. There is no closure and we don't move on from anything. Love is an energy that continues. The bond that we have in life, we embody. That love that we share, we can still move that forward.

The love that we can carry forward can appear in our future relationships, in our future endeavors, in many future events. We can carry that love forward. And what we can do in a way to honor that ongoing bond is grief rituals. And grief rituals are very important when it comes to our pets, just as they are with all grief. And

What grief rituals do is twofold in relation to pets and grief rituals can be anything such as setting a time each day aside, perhaps where you have a two way conversation with your pet or maybe a light a candle or you listen to a song or you might hold an item of clothing or where you're just setting some dedicated time just to be with your feelings except

and acknowledging and making room for everything and you're not going to be disturbed and you're there with this dedicated grief ritual and they serve two things. Firstly, they remind us of the fact, although sad, that our pet is dead and we need to accept that to be able to move forward.

But secondly, they really do help with that ongoing connection and that ongoing bond because they're still with us. They still sustain us. Emotionally, they still give us something. We still feel that love. And yes, we don't have them physically, but we still have their energy. And we still talk about them. We still remember them. The values that we possess, whether it's love or gratitude or

kindness or compassion, all of those things were, we demonstrated those to our pet. They demonstrated those things to us. So in order to continue the bond, I think is to continue with those values, to try and sprinkle those values through relationships that you have in your life. And I can't think of a better way to honor.

and just to pay a loving tribute to your pet by being that person that they knew you to be. You're still that person. You know, we can forget that. We are that person who was capable of being loved and we are that person that was capable of loving. We don't stop because we no longer have them.

And self kindness and self compassion can be very, very difficult things for us to find after losing pets. But it's vitally important that we do try to be kind with ourselves. And again, just, we are still that loving person, still worthy.

Absolutely. So beautifully stated. And how can people reach you? Where can people reach you? How can they work with you if they wanted to get to know more about your work and what you have to offer?

So if you ever want to reach out for any advice or to speak to me in any capacity, my website is thepetlosscounselor.com. Very active on Insta under the same name and on threads as well. So reach out for any advice. I'd love to speak to you, point you in the right direction if I can't help, offer you resources, free support groups, or you can talk to me individually on a one-to-one basis, but you're never alone.

There's so many resources out there. There's so many people that get pet grief. So many people that would like to understand your perspective and hear your beautiful and unique story. So don't hesitate to reach out if you're in need.

Thank you. I'll link everything in the show notes as usual so you could find it there as well. Final question. What would Grant today tell Grant after hope's passing?

Grant would say that you made the right decision under difficult circumstances in regard to the euthanasia. You didn't have all the answers. You were suffering too when you had to make that call. But in your heart, you knew it was the right decision to make. And you made it through love.

and respect.

And those were the things that form the basis of the relationship in life. And those were the things that led you to make a painful decision in death.

So beautiful. Grant, it has been an absolute honor. Thank you for all that you bring to this world, for your wisdom and for all you're doing for people in the pet loss and grief space.

Thank you, Nina.

That's it for today's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the Grief and Light podcast. I'd also love to connect with you and hear your thoughts and your stories. Feel free to share them with me via my Instagram page at griefandlight, or you can also visit griefandlight.com for more information and updates. Thank you so much for being here, for being you, and always remember, you are not alone.


People on this episode

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Nina Rodriguez

Host
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Grant Hazell

Guest