GRIEF AND LIGHT

Finding Light After the Sudden Loss of a Partner | Charniah Wilson

• Nina Rodriguez / Guest: Cha Wilson • Season 3 • Episode 52

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In this episode, Nina Rodriguez speaks with Charniah Wilson, who shares her journey of navigating grief after the sudden loss of her partner, Ken. Cha discusses how she channeled her grief into creativity through her platform 'Grief is Ghetto,' and 'Cha's Random Thoughts,' where she combines humor and healing. The conversation explores the complexities of grief, the importance of community support, and the lessons learned from loss. Cha emphasizes the significance of breathing through overwhelming moments and finding light amidst the chaos of grief. She reflects on her relationship with Ken as a blueprint for her life and how humor plays a vital role in coping with loss.

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Click here to watch the video on YouTube
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Takeaways:

  • Conscious breathing will help center us during overwhelming moments.
  • Each person's grief journey is unique and personal.
  • Community support is crucial in navigating grief.
  • Finding humor in grief can be a powerful coping mechanism.
  • Our love for our person can serve as a blueprint for future relationships.
  • It's okay to take one moment at a time in grief.
  • Light and joy can coexist with grief.
  • The process of grieving can change over time.
  • Grief is chaotic and can feel 'ghetto'.
  • Sharing experiences can help others feel less alone. 


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griefandlight (00:00.288)
It really felt like the end. There is no way that I'm going to move forward. There's no way I'm going to date again. There's no way I'm going to love again. There's no way, you know, that that's what I felt, but it's not the end. just lost your loved one. Now what? Welcome to the Grief in Life podcast where we explore this new reality through grief colored lenses. Openly, authentically, I'm your host, Nina Rodriguez.

Let's get started. Hello and welcome back to the Grief in Light podcast. How can we harness the power of creativity to help us navigate the loss of someone we love? Today, I'm joined by Sharnia Wilson, affectionately known as Shaw. And in February of 2021, Shaw faced the sudden loss of her partner, Ken. She has since channeled the grief into creating Grief is Ghetto, a platform where she combines healing with humor to help others feel seen in their grief.

Shaw's relatable videos on social media offer comfort and connection to those navigating loss, making her a standout voice in a sea of content. She's not just a content creator, she is a creative who's reshaping how we talk about grief. I'm honored to welcome her today to share her journey. Welcome to the Grief in Life podcast, Shaw. Thank you so much. I love that. Not just a content creator, but a creator that shapes the way we talk about grief.

I need to put that somewhere in a bio. Definitely, that is what you're doing. You're reshaping how we talk about it. I remember stumbling upon one of those doom scrolling days and I'm stumbling upon your page and next thing I know I'm laughing and I'm like, who is she? Like, what is this? And you got on point with what you were saying. Your description of grief, how you describe the experience was so true. And I said, yes, this is exactly what this is.

Thank you. Thank you for what you're doing. Where are you joining us from? I'm in Miami right now. Whereabouts are you joining from? I'm from Huntsville, Alabama. that's where... Huntsville. Yeah, not far, but I grew up here. And then I went to school in Montgomery and then I moved to Atlanta for about seven years. And then I moved back here about five years ago to help take care of my aunt who was sick at the time. And she has since...

griefandlight (02:22.946)
passed away about two years ago, about a year after Ken. So, you know, that was not, that's okay. definitely deepened the grief conversation for me. So I kind of know different parts of it and just trying to navigate it, you know, all in the same realm has been interesting. Interesting, probably the best word for this whole experience. So before we get into the story, what was your relationship with grief before Ken passed and

before your life changed? Honestly, it was pretty shallow. I've experienced loss several times, husband, my uncle, because they raised me. And he passed when I was fairly young. I might have been about nine or 10. At that age, didn't, you know, when you're that young, you don't understand it fully. So I knew he was gone, but then death wasn't, I just...

you still think he's going to come back at some point. So I didn't quite understand it then. I lost my great grandmother who I was close to. lost my dad, whom I wasn't as close to because my aunt raised me, but I grieved more for my siblings during that time because they were much closer to him. So it was still different. My godfather who also helped raise me, he passed in 16, I think, and

That was probably one of the heavier times for me because my godfather was my right hand guy. You know, if I called him with an idea and he was like, do it. You know, I was like, hey, I want to enroll in this school and get a master's. He was like, do it. Like he was cheerleader number one. So that hit pretty hard. I think before Ken, the biggest fight with grief is I had a friend named Austin who passed right before my godfather, but Austin passed suddenly.

And it was like he went into the hospital and then the next day, it was the way I found out, which I know we'll probably go into that, but someone had posted on Facebook, my God, know, rest in heaven, Austin. And I was like, what do mean? You know, so I'm calling and at this point I'm in Atlanta. So I'm an hour ahead of everybody and I'm calling like five in the morning, which is four their time. So nobody's waking up.

griefandlight (04:44.874)
After about an hour, you know, we had got confirmation that he had passed. And that was probably, that hit differently because that was the first time I experienced death where someone was my age. And it was like, so we can die? Like, right. So that was before Ken. And then of course, when Ken died, because he and I were together, we were living together, we were making future plans.

I grieved for what we had, but I'm more so grieved for what we didn't get to have. And I've written this down. Every grief scenario has just been a different dynamic of emotion that I have had to navigate. But with Ken, it was probably the first time I had lost someone that I interacted with every single day and was a part of every single part of my life. So it definitely...

made a big gaping hole that was very difficult to fill. So that's been my journey with Gre. So far, not hoping for any more, but you know, life is life. Life is life. Right. It's like, we just hope that was the absolute last thing we had to deal with. yet, know, that, you know, life or life or life. Life or life. Thank you for making those distinctions. I ask because...

Our relationship and understanding about grief shaped so much of our experience or can't shape so much of our experience. So I always like to know where were you before this one big pivotal loss? And it sounds like you had experienced so many others and yet each one was so different. So thank you for making that distinction. before, know, Ken's passing, who was Shaw and who is she now? Who was she then and who is she now? Wow. Let me tell you.

You're pulling out the quest. Okay. Your pressure. It's hard. No pressure at all. It's hard. It's hard to remember. Sometimes, you know, good old Facebook will remind you who you were. Five, six, seven, 10, when you were 19, you know, they remind you of who you were. Do you recommend her? No. Sometimes I look at the post, cause Ken and I started dating initially. I am very private.

griefandlight (07:11.308)
That's why Grief is ghetto was such a surprise to me and everybody around me because they were like, you don't like to tell much. And I mean, there's still a lot I don't disclose, but when Ken and I started dating, you know, I told him like, don't want the social media. So, know, our friends can know our family. We don't have to do social media, but he was so active on it. he was like, I mean, let's just, and so we ended up posting pictures and things and it became a norm, even though it wasn't something I really wanted at first.

it became fun to do. And you know, people look forward to what we're going to post next about each other. There's no one word to describe Shaw pre-2021. think we were, we had just, we had both just moved back to Huntsville. See, we were long distance before. He lived in Tuscaloosa. I lived in Atlanta. And so we had just moved back home because he's from Huntsville as well. And we were navigating that.

being in the same city. Then after a year or so we moved in, so were navigating that. We were navigating new jobs. We were just navigating. So, but I think in the midst of that journey, we were having fun doing it. Like there was some bumps in the road. There were some things, you know, we couldn't control, but we were having fun doing it. We were outside. We went places. Festivals, we went to concerts and we loved the concert. We went to concerts. We went out of town. We, we vacations. We...

We were social. We had a good time. Shy now, I don't want to go. I don't want to go. That changed, Yeah, that definitely changed. I've always had a bit of social anxiety, but after 10 passed, a lot of things came to the surface for me and that social anxiety was probably the number one thing. I... You're nervous again? Yeah, I try to avoid going...

most places where there are going to be a lot of people because I will start to sweat, I start to get hot. And then I've noticed my panic attack triggers, like my feet will start to tingle and then it'll shoot up through my body. And I'm like, okay, okay, okay. And it's nothing anyone's doing. Nobody's coming in the crowd pushing me, it's just the fact that I feel surrounded. And Ken first passed a...

griefandlight (09:29.152)
My friends would want to go out. My friends were very, and I praised them on every podcast and I'm keep doing it, but they were whatever I wanted to do. If I didn't want to go, that was okay. They were like, we gonna stay home. But if they're like, well, let's try to get out a little. But I didn't want people to give me the sick puppy dog thing. right? For real, child. Like I didn't want that. So I was like, please don't, please. I don't want to go. Like I don't want to deal with that today. Now it's getting a little better. I will go places. Am I going to stay long?

Am I going to stay the whole time? Nope. Am I going to ride with you? No, I'm going to drive. So when I leave, I have to go. So pre-shot was way more social. But now I've I've outgrown that a bit. kind of stay to myself. I stay with my, you know, my friends. We hang out and that's kind of, that's just okay for me. I've accepted it. At first I'm like, I got to stop doing this. But now it's like, what's wrong with it? You know, I'm.

I don't feel like I'm missing anything. still getting, I feel like life is still life and I'm still having fun. So that definitely changed for me quite a bit. The biggest change that I've had was I used to be a meat freak and Ken would drive me insane because he was so messy. I couldn't stand it. I would be picking up clothes. If he got off an hour before me and the dishes weren't clean, I was like, so you just stay here for an hour.

You didn't think to yourself, hey, maybe I should run some water on the station. It's like you didn't do anything. But after that, my house was a wreck. And not just for a few months, for years. Like I had a best friend come and she moved in while she was looking for a job and thank God for her. She started cleaning and I was like, is this what cleaning looks like? I was so used to living in, not spills, wasn't dirty, but just.

Stuff was everywhere, you know. It's probably a reflection of how you were probably feeling at that moment too. Absolutely. Like my brain is full of mess, so my house is full of mess. So it just, that definitely changed a lot. I'm getting better with that as well. I have friends that helped me with that. I'm getting better with that. But those are probably the biggest two things that have changed about me. And I definitely look at life, and I know everybody says this, but I definitely look at life.

griefandlight (11:56.374)
in a manner that I didn't before. Before, when I would get a difficult client, I would just get so frazzled and so upset. And now it's like, okay, so you know, that can be screaming and I'm like, great. So did you want to go ahead and sign? Like it's, right? It's almost like they're screaming and there's just a wall here. And not because I'm not emotional, it's just because this doesn't matter. None of this matters. You know, there are so many bigger issues going on.

And then listen, my boyfriend has passed, my aunt, lady that's raising me has passed. You don't have to try real hard to hurt my feelings. ain't, it's not easy. So that's definitely changed. I'm gotten a lot tougher in these grief moments. So those are probably the biggest things that have changed about me. No, I appreciate it because it's very real. A lot of people don't talk about how we fundamentally change personality wise. Our priorities, our values, all the things.

And I see myself in that example as well. Like I was working in real estate before and I had to stop because I was like, if I hear another person complain about a doorknob or wall color, I'm going to lose my mind. my God. Yes. Yes. It's just like, okay, you know what? I just fundamentally don't care about the things that I used to care about and I don't do life the same way. So I hear you. I completely hear you. It's very relatable and it's something that I went through myself. So I completely get it.

And I know that you used to be into like 90s music and you used to, you've always had this beautiful creative spirit that still is a part of your work today. Has that remained or is that also shifted for you as far as music like dance? No, dance and being a 90s girl never changed. And a lot of that is what got me through this because I no longer coach, last season was my last season.

But when I was coaching dance, I contemplated after Ken passed leaving the team, because I was like, don't, I can't fully do this because I don't have enough in me to do it. But when I went back to practice, because my best friend at the time was the band director and he was like, just come see how you feel. If you just fall apart, I understand. But then when I would go to practice, those kids would make me laugh so hard that I would almost walk out forgetting, you know, what has happened.

griefandlight (14:20.768)
And so I was like, you know, dance is a huge part of who I am and not just, you know, a part of their lives, but it's a big part of me. And 90s music, no. When I tell you my friends and I have 90s nights, and not just any 90s night, and feel free to take this, but we play games, we'll go to YouTube and we'll play the alphabet game and we'll say, hey, we're doing 90s RFV. You start, you play a song that starts with A, then the next person will play a 90s song that starts with B. We have a microphone.

that my friend Reggie demands that I bring to every gathering so that he can scream in it. It has it. Now the microphone has a speaker, but he insists on screaming in it when we're, you know, singing and all that. And a lot of us have sang in choir. So we're singers, we're harmonizing, you know, we have a good time. So no, that 90s music, the dancing, that's part of my life. Yes. I'm still trying to figure out how to rework dance back in Cause I used to have a class called Shaw Shakedown.

where I did like a 90s workout. And I've had a few people like, okay, you're not coaching. So went shawshank down and I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I will definitely probably get that back up and going. no, that it's amazing how that never changed. That was almost the outlet that I needed when I was just deep in my grief. Beautiful. And first of all, it sounds like so much fun. And it sounds like you're

creativity and your passion for music and dance actually helps you navigate your own grief is so disorienting. So whatever remains that could be a point of stability is so, helpful. yeah, creativity is such an anchor in grief. And I absolutely love that. I love that. That was part of your spirit. And in a way, let's get to Ken's story and how after his passing, his encouragement to pursue your creativity was actually a big driver behind what you do today.

Say as much or as little as you want. don't believe in re-traumatizing people into retelling their story. So just share what you're comfortable with and what life has been like since in terms of how you've channeled your grief. thank you. First off, thank you for saying that, because sometimes you'll go on interviews and they're like, so I didn't die. know? OK, I never understood. But yeah, it was so... On that day...

griefandlight (16:45.504)
So the funny thing is Ken had been going to a friend's house who had a podcast, still has a podcast, but he had been going there just as a guest to their podcast. And they were like, hey, you know, we're thinking about maybe adding you to the group because the podcast was pretty good. So that day he had gone, I think maybe the second or third time and he sent me a text. A lot of things happened that day. So for one, I got a raise.

And when I sent it him, said, hey, I got a raise. It's this much. And then this much with my commission. What do you think? Should I negotiate it? And he was a numbers guy. He was like, no, that's solid. That's dope. When does it start? I was like, okay, it starts my next, you know, pay period. He was like, that's dope. Proud of you. Look at you. Roll it and dough. And he sent me all the gifts with all the money. So then I would typically see him during lunch, but during lunch, he went to work for a bit. And then he went to his friend's house.

And he texted me and said, hey, great news. They want to add me to be a host on the podcast. I was like, let's go. That's awesome. Cause Ken was so, he can debate with the best of them. Okay. Cause if you were coming to him, you needed facts. He wanted to be a lawyer and boy, it would almost drive me and his family up a wall. they'd like, you go. He's gonna, he's gonna debate it. But I thought he was great for the podcast. So he had gotten selected. Awesome.

great things and he was like, hey, I'm gonna hang around a bit. You we're gonna have a few drinks or blah, said, okay, you know, just let me know if you need me to come get you. This was a Thursday. So I got home, things were great. I'm talking to my friend on the phone and he called and said, hey, do we have headache medicine? And I was like, yeah. And I said, well, what's wrong? Cause he had never really complained about a headache before. And I was like, yeah, you know, everything okay. He was like, yeah. He sounded very somber.

But I just figured, you if you have a blaring headache, that could be why. And I was thinking like, he probably didn't eat, because he'll do that. He won't eat. And so I was like, yeah, you know, you need me to drive. He was like, no, no, no, I'm on the way. Now, his friend lived about seven minutes from me. So 30 minutes had passed and I just thought, he's just talking. That's what he does. You know, they probably went out to the car and struggled with another conversation. No biggie. And then an hour had passed and I was like, probably still talking. No big deal.

griefandlight (19:10.798)
because there's been plenty of times he was like, on the way. And it's two hours later, he'd be like, my bad. We were talking. So I didn't think anything of it. And after the second hour, and I'm still on the phone with my friend, we're just chatting and chatting and chatting. After the second hour, I was like, yeah, you start to get worried. Yeah, I said, well, Tiffany, let me call you back. Because Kim said he was on the way at 11 and it's almost one o'clock. So I texted, I was like, I said like the sideways face, I was like, are you still on the way? He didn't respond.

And so I was like, well, okay, still no big deal. I take a shower, I'm folding, I'm getting ready to get in the bed and Jamie Foxx is playing, I'm watching Jamie Foxx. And then another hour passed and I was like, hmm.

And so I text again, was like, are you okay? Sometimes he would get sick and need to sit down. I was like, did you get sick? What's going on? And there's no response. And so then, you know how your brain starts to, it's like the lady in the meme with all the math problems. I was like- I'm gonna figure it all out. Okay. But at this point, did you feel like something was really wrong or you were just like, that's strange. So here's a backstory. There was one time where Ken,

We were just texting and I tried to call him. He was like, let's text for right now. Cause I'm at my cousin's house. His cousins helped raise him. He was like, I'm at my cousin's house and we had just been texting back and forth. I'm doing my hair. It's all good. And then probably an hour later he was like, Hey. So yeah, I remember I said I was at my cousin's house. I'm actually in the hospital. And so I literally stopped. had like, I was doing my natural hair. And so I had curlers in and I had one section with no curlers and I just stopped. And then I went up to the hospital.

And allegedly his cousin, she was like, yeah, cause he was going to sit in here and just act like nothing was wrong. And I told him, Hey, you're going to call her or I am. So I was like, you know, it's not uncommon for him to, some, if he's feeling bad, he might have just gone to the hospital. So, or he might've just stayed at his friend's house and tried to regroup. So I started making the plan. was like, okay, well, let me call. And I call the phone's not off. It's.

griefandlight (21:21.582)
So I just call again and I call again. And before I knew it, I had done this for about an hour and a half. So at this point, it's almost four. All I would do was call. And as soon as it would go to voicemail, hang up, call again and call again and call again. Cause I was thinking, okay, if he's in the hospital, and I forbid he's unconscious, somebody will see me calling and they will pick up. Or if he had like a car accident or maybe slid off the road,

somebody will see me call it, you know, and that's what I was like, let me just keep calling. So I said, okay, at 5 a.m., because I didn't want to alert anybody. This was all night. Wow. all night. I was like at 5 a.m., if I don't hear anything, I'll text his cousin or call her. I didn't want to do that because if it's not scary, I don't want to scare her. So I'm calling and calling, 5 a.m. hits, and so then I text his cousin, hey.

I haven't heard from Ken, he said he was coming home at 11. Is everything okay? Or is he with you? And she had not texted back. So then I said, okay, well, let me just throw on some clothes. I knew the main road where his friend lived. I was like, well, maybe I could just drive up there and if something happened, because he also had sleep apnea. So I was like, if something happened and he maybe fell asleep, I can see the car.

So I start putting on clothes and once I'm putting on clothes, I can see, if you can see here, I used to sleep in this room, this is the office now. I have a motion sensor light and I see it go on. And I was like, and so I run over there and I see a big truck and a car and I was like, who is this? And then I see his cousins get out of the truck and I was like, in my brain, I was thinking he was gonna get out behind them, know, maybe something happened with the car. And so I,

turn the alarm off, open the door and I see them and not him. And I remember sitting there for, I don't know how long, you a grief you never know. But time is non-existing. So I said,

griefandlight (23:32.652)
what happened because I didn't see him. And his cousin, bless her heart, she was like, why don't we come in? And at that point, I already knew. And I remember saying, just say it. And his cousins behind him are just in tears. And I was like, I just need you to say it. And she did. And I didn't immediately react. I just remember looking around the room.

And I was like, man, do people see the walls coming in? Like when you see that on TV, it doesn't seem real until it does. And that was the first time I had experienced that in all the grief lessons I had. That was the first time I experienced the walls literally caving in. Like I felt like I was getting ready. I was like, I said, do they not see the walls getting closing here? yeah, I was like, do y'all not, is it just me? Y'all don't see that?

And I remember them coming in and she was talking. I don't know what Kim was saying, but she was talking and I looked up and I looked back at her and I said, wait, what? And she was like, please don't, please don't make me say it again. And I was like, God. And I remember from there just, I don't know if I failed at the moment because they all kind of grabbed me and we all sat there for a while.

just crying. And I remember just saying, what happened? What happened? From there, it just, a lot of things are a blur. Yeah. Blur kicks in. Yeah. It just, it was a blur. He had apparently tried to drive home and was not driving very safely. He was pulled over by an officer who recognized that something was wrong. He was pulled over initially because they thought maybe he had been drinking, but they recognized something was wrong.

with him. Apparently he had gone to the hospital where he collapsed. He'd gone to the hospital. They tried to work on him for a little bit and nothing. The process to figure out who to call for him, because his life was a lot like mine. Like what my aunt raising me, his aunt raised him, his cousins helped raise him. Same with me. police and you know, we're trying to figure out who to call because his mom passed and he was 14. His dad lived out of state.

griefandlight (25:54.742)
So they were running the tags and apparently they called some random relative. yeah, was, an up. This had probably happened at like two in the morning. They finally got a hold of his older cousin who got a hold of the family from there. And they told, they told him he called his sister. They called the family and this part always is crazy to me. They were like, we can't call Sean. We got to go over there. That's amazing.

for one. Well, thoughtful. Yes, because they didn't, you know, he's their family. They didn't have to do that for me. But when Kim and her older brother said, hey, we're going to go over there, his other two cousins like, well, so are we, you know, where I'm going to go. And they came to my house at 530 in the morning to give me that news so I wouldn't be by myself. From there, again, adrenaline, we were like, OK, so Kim, you call his childhood friends, I'll call his college friends.

And I was like, I'll call his college friends. Cause a lot of the friends from college I went to high school with. we, we, you know, we knew the same circle of people. So they're calling, I'm calling the college friends and it is, it's awful. It was awful in between. And I was like, I looked up and it was almost seven. I was like, I'm supposed to be working eight. She probably calling my boss. She was telling me about them. I'm not. And I felt so bad. Cause my boss was out of town. He was on a family trip and it was just me.

my coworker and my boss working at the she and I were holding the fort down and I was like, God, she's gonna be by herself. You know, I feel bad. And I called him and I was like, hey, I don't wanna talk about this, but I have to say this. My boyfriend passed. And he was like, my God. I said, I don't wanna talk about it. I just was letting you know I'm not gonna be there. And he was like, okay. And he came back in town the next day and checked. So I mean, I remember the sun coming up. Like as we were doing all this, the sun's coming up. I call my aunt.

to tell her, and this is also the height of COVID, because it's just the beginning, it's February 2021, COVID started to get real bad, the end of 19, we got shut down in 20, so it's still pretty bad. And I had just had COVID in January of 2021. In my brain, I said, what if Ken got COVID from me? And what if that's what did it? So all these thoughts.

griefandlight (28:16.462)
Social media starts running up rampant. Ken has an attorney friend that was like, what do you want me to say? I will make a formal statement. Very sweet of him and it was beautiful. He made a statement and I had called some of my friends. One of course, my friend who's the band director and I was like, hey, I'm just letting you Ken. He was like, my God. And I could hear him like red light. I was like, what are you doing? He was like, I'm leaving. And I said, what do mean you're leaving? You teach kids. He was like, I'm gone. I'm on my way. Everybody left their job.

Everybody left and I couldn't believe that. had a friend in Atlanta. She was like, okay, I'm gonna drive down. I was like, no, no, no, don't drive down. She was like, goodbye, be there in a little bit. And everybody was here probably the end of the evening. His cousins had gone to prepare their house and everybody was here. And from there, you know, the drinking started. We just were kinda, I was in and out. The days, A day. Very disorienting. Yeah, and from there for the next 10 or 11 days,

I can't tell you one day from the next. I remember, I don't even know if I slept and some very sweet lady put this under my TikTok where I was like, you know, I wouldn't dream. And she was like, probably because you weren't sleeping. You just were kind of passing out from exhaustion. That's not sleep or, you know, passing out from being drunk. So I would sleep for a few hours and then I would get up and then I cry and then I sleep and then I get up and then I cry. I can confidently tell you the first four days.

I wore the same clothes. I didn't shower.

because I thought it was one day. And finally my friends were like, hey, you gotta get in the tub. You gotta get in the tub. And I was like, okay, but I have to keep the door open. And it sounds crazy, but sometimes when I would shower, I would keep the door open and Ken would stand in the door. We would still talk while I was in the shower. So was like, I have to keep the door open. I can't close the door. And they were okay with that. So I finally showered and during that time, still hi to COVID.

griefandlight (30:14.274)
He always talked about his funeral. He never wanted a funeral service. He never wanted a viewing. He was like, nah, y'all just, you know, turn up and cremate. And we were like, we're have to do a viewing because that makes it real for some people. So we definitely had to do a viewing, but because of COVID, it wasn't like you could just go in at any time. People had to go in about three people at a time. And then it just, it was a lot. And we ended up having an outside memorial, which was,

And I was like, I want this one. Please do this. My old high school had just been kind of torn down. So the parking lot was just empty and my friends kicked in the high gear. had one of my friends like, I'm gonna secure that parking lot for you. I got speakers, I have a podium. I have a microphone and my friends that went to church, they were like, we can get some chairs from the church. I was like, okay. So.

It was, it was amazing. We ended up getting the flowers from the viewing and we set it up so nice. And all we did was people came up and said funny stuff about Ken. It was great. You know, it was awesome. So we said all the funny things and I mean, from there, it was just, it was still a blur because what happened? And in the midst of that, we were getting my best friend that came from Atlanta. stayed, thank God for her. She stayed for two weeks. and has she always tell people, has she not stayed? I would have died. Like,

I needed her to be there. She was so great in everything she did. She ate grocery shops. She did all, okay, what we're wearing today. Let me lay out your stuff. Where's your stuff? You want me to help you with your hair? What you need me to do? She was awesome. She helped pick out his clothes. All of those things happened and he was cremated. I tell the story of the yellow socks on my Grief is Get Old platform. I don't think I know that one, so if you don't mind sharing it, that's great. Yellow socks. we, neither of us had ever done a funeral where someone's been cremated.

It's always been a burial. So we were not familiar with how cremation works. And again, COVID. So Ken's service was like a Sunday, but the cremation was not until that next day because they had to schedule them. His mother's favorite color was yellow. I was very, very adamant with funeral director that I was not putting a suit on him because he didn't wear a suit. I was like, this is ridiculous. And I'm not buying one. So we had a beautiful yellow polo, some really nice jeans on them.

griefandlight (32:34.198)
And we found these, this set of socks, pastel socks. It was purple, pink, like a real pretty pale blue and yellow. I was like, all the yellow would be great because for those who don't know, when you dress the dead, you dress them to their drawers. They're like, no, they have to have underwear on. Something I didn't know either. I had never been that close to seeing a service, but she was like, no, we, I mean, cause I guess it's burying them with dignity. So we had all that pulled out. Yellow, yellow socks.

gorgeous. We had these new boots he had never worn. I mean, he was awesome. Ken has this picture where he has a grill and a pinky ring on. He was by no means a rapper, but that picture's so funny. He has that pinky ring and he has his grill. He was like, hey, if I famous, use this as my album cover. And I wish I had bought the shirt in here, because he also said don't put him on a shirt. We used that picture.

to put on shirts with Because it was like, no, here's your album cover. We asked his cousin, hey, can we borrow your pinky ring? And he was like, no. And we were like, what? Why? And he was like, because he's being cremated. They're going to burn it up. We were like, you are so dumb. We are berating him on the phone. Kim has him on speaker. We're like, you are dumb. They're going to give the clothes back. Why would they burn up his clothes? That's so stupid.

Why would you, you knew he wanted a pinky ring? Like we are just going off. And he does not budge. was like, okay, so no, y'all are not getting my pinky ring. It was like, that's fine. Don't do anything because then, you know, we're snapping on him. So when we get to the cremation area, because also the funeral director were like, well, most people don't come to the actual cremation. I was like, guess what? I'll be there. I needed to be wherever he was.

I would feel bad leaving the funeral home because I needed to be where he was. His viewing was, God, it was from 10 to like seven until they closed. I stayed there all day because I needed to be there. You know, I couldn't leave. And in hindsight, I don't know why I did that, you know, but I just had to check to see like, he okay? but when the nice guy came over, we said a little prayer over his cremation casket.

griefandlight (34:44.64)
another thing you have to have a cremation casket anyway we said a nice prayer already you know they went on and did their thing and the guy was like hey I just want to let you know his shoes were really nice I put them in a bag and they're at the funeral home and his cousin said okay great now mind you the machine is whirling it's it's loud and he's gonna say okay great and then what about his clothes and the funeral director got it

griefandlight (35:10.99)
Like you know, both ones. At that time, I looked up at you and like... while I started to close and I was like, you know what? Because I kept saying, those socks are so nice. And my friend was like, you sure you want, you don't want to just keep these socks on? This is a nice thing to keep a female. I said, it's OK, we'll get them back. She was like, you're right. She's aligned with it too. Nobody stopped us to say, except for his cousin, nobody stopped to say, hey, you're not getting that bag. We thought we were getting those things back.

So he was like, and she said, his clothes, like he couldn't hear me, his clothes. He said, his clothes are on him. They went with him. And I went to her, she looked at me and I said, the damn socks, the socks. That was right there. You wanted to keep those. Why would you keep the socks? And so she was like, so.

You want me to ask him to push the casket out a little bit, open up the feed port? I was like,

Please. So we get outside and needy at his cousin and his other cousin was there too. We just started laughing so hard and how dumb we were. It was like what do we think? We'll just keep those socks back. And we just try and gonna come apart about the socks. His cousin was like, the socks ain't never did nothing to nobody. They deserve them. I was like, they should. That's all the things to take from us. You take kids, you take the socks. I was like, God, why?

Do that, I swear you're thinking. We are in tears laughing, falling, and hard. I was like, why would they take the socks? My friend had left dead, dead, the one that was helping me. I get in the car and I call her. She was like, hey, know, how did everything go? I said, you're going to die. She was like, what happened? I said, they burned up the socks. She was like, what? said, the socks are gone. They're gone? Apparently.

griefandlight (37:14.926)
They keep them fully dressed when they cremate them. And she was like, well, that makes sense. Like when you think about it, yeah, like nothing makes sense. Yes. That makes sense. She was like, no. She said, well, at you have the other three pair. I was like, I wanted the yellow I wanted the yellow one. wanted the yellow one. She was like, I'm so sorry. I'll buy you some more. I I don't want those. I don't want those.

like, and that was probably the funniest. We cackled about that. And I had to tell that story over and over because his cousin told us and we still would not believe anything. And they called him after the cremation. He was like. So, and they was like, they kept the clothes on. He was like, I know. Why did you say anything? He was like, I did. I told y'all. But it was it was.

the most hilarious, most heartbreaking thing ever. And I have a friend, I'll have to go get the photo, but she sent me a beautiful photo, almost in a shadow box with a yellow sock that has Kim's name on it. And it is the funniest thing I had ever seen. And everybody had commented on Facebook and Instagram was like, know, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life. And most people were like, I don't even think about that, that they cremate people with slurs. I was like, it makes sense.

I don't know why it didn't make this a bedtime. Why would we know? this, why wouldn't we know? I don't claim anything. Learning on the go here. I don't know anything about this. it definitely made a lot of sense. it just, during that time, the adrenaline was so high that you don't really experience that grief until everything starts to die down. So as people slow down coming, that's when I started to kind of sink.

So then I started to record my thoughts because of course, know, with your own grief, I'm sure you there's guilt and the guilt most of time doesn't make any sense. know, it's the mind trying to make sense of the something that doesn't make sense. Right. doesn't make sense. Yeah. Because death doesn't make sense. Right. The death itself. You know, I know this is really like I know what we've been through it, but I still don't understand it. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense because this person was living and breathing

griefandlight (39:35.23)
one moment and now they're just not. I don't know how to, like you can't process it. So I was guilting myself. was like, I should have got up earlier. I should have got off the phone. I should have went to get them. It was so many, I should have done this. I should have done that. I should have, and I started to record and make sense of it or try to make sense of it. And now during this whole time, I'm making jokes. Like my friends are like, how are you funny? And I was like, I'm, it's autopilot. I don't know.

That's the only way I know how to be. It's probably a coping mechanism. It's definitely coping, 100%. I can look at some of my old Grief is Get Old videos now and I can tell you 100 % I'm not there. That is just my, that's just that humor coming to the forefront to protect what was going on in the background, which was just our- it our avatar. It's like our representative shows up and we're just in the background, in the background. Yes, that is it. My avatar came to the front and I faded to the back.

I was able to do that because I wasn't there. When I look at those videos, I know I'm dead inside. Other people may not know it, but I know, because I never script any of this. I kind of write a topic that I want to talk about and I just talk and I just edit it. And I can look at that like, I don't remember any of this because I wasn't there. making the video. hear you. Yeah. The wish of your story resonates with my own in the sense of the sudden loss, the walls caving in.

the not knowing exactly what the process is for information and girls and what do we do here? I just wanna highlight how beautiful it is that your community, your friends, your family, your cousins all came together for you. They gave you the place that you deserve in Ken's life because I've heard stories where even people who have married with kids like their biological family will take over and leave them out of the equation and I know that can be very difficult. And it sounds like you had

a beautiful community really supporting you, maybe imperfectly, but it also sounds like they got a lot of things right too in the process. absolutely. 100%. Shout out to every single one of them. No, really. were awesome. They were awesome. Because I think in my head, like, could I have done it? You know, could I have done that? boy, they did it well too. And I will forever think of Ken when I see Yellow Sox. Have a Me too.

griefandlight (41:58.722)
Willow, think of your beautiful love for him because it sounds like you both individually, but also together, it sounds like you both had this beautiful energy everybody loved. And you see that in the viewing. it sounds like his spirit that came through in terms of like the funny aspects of it. Absolutely. Absolutely. I love that. He shines like in that a lot of people gave me like candles that said, you know, his light shines because he definitely was a light. That's another reason we had to have.

the memorial service outside because with COVID regulations we can have that. And I mean, it was almost maybe 200 people that came. mean, his middle school classmates, elementary school teachers, people showed up because he really was a beacon of light. He really was kind to people. He really was amazing. That was one of things I struggled with too when I was deep in my despair. Cause I was like, well, he's so much better than me. So,

Why not me? You know, I'm not always nice to people. I had a lot to work on. And when I told you the wall where people get angry and that, I learned that from Ken. He would say, why you let those people in? You don't get that. You don't get that energy from me. When he passed on, somehow it finally clicked for me. Like, this is what you meant. This is what he was so unbothered. And absolutely funny, way funnier than me. And...

Ken was a heavy set guy, he could joke. He was gonna make a joke. He was like, if somebody jokes on me and they call me fat, they've already lost because now I'm gonna get you back. He was great at that. He never took life seriously in that way. And I think so many people were touched by him that we had to do something, even though he didn't want that. were like, We have to. We have to. I know you mad.

but we gotta do what we gotta do. And let me ask you, like, so my brother was also cremated and I couldn't make it to see him. Did that in some way give you, closure is not the right word. How was that experience? I will say it is not as traumatic as watching a burial. To me, a burial is so traumatic because watching a coffin being lowered into the ground, God almighty. That's where most people kind of break down. With my aunt, that, you know, everybody was like,

griefandlight (44:21.666)
My God, you know, it's awful. I won't say closure, but I said to the funeral director when we were planning this, I said, well, I'm going to the cremation because I have to see Kim through to the end. And she said, that's beautiful. And I, again, in that time, had to, I had to be where he was, you know, because also that guilt from not being where he was when things happened, I have to be.

where he was. So do I feel validated in doing that? Absolutely. Would I do it again? 100%. I'd do it a hundred times because I needed to make sure to the very end that I saw him through. Now there have been some times like when my godfather passed, they had open casket and my god sister, who was also my president, she was like, I don't want to look at him. And I was like, me either. Listen, I don't want to see him like that. And I made the mistake and look.

I regret that for the rest of my life. Because now, every time I see her coughing, I see him now. I looked at Ken, I touched Ken. I didn't feel any of that. So I was very, and I still am, very happy with his final services and his final goodbyes. I thought they were great, and I'm very happy with it. The cremation, like she said, most people don't. It's not anything formal. They literally bring the casket in and they...

you know, do what they're going to do. Yeah, we just decided to do just a quick prayer. And it was almost like we needed to let him know we were there, even though, you we needed to let him know we were there. But I understand it's such a personal decision. really, really is. I swore I would not do the open casket. I was not going to see him. I'm not going to be there. And then I ended up being there, seeing it and touching him and.

You know, all the things and you just really don't know how you're going to react. You don't. But you really don't. You're meeting a new person in this context. it's you. Yes. It's so different for you too because... I'm not trying to make an interview about you, but with your brother, that's somebody you've always known, you know, but you've always known. So that makes it so different. It's almost like you don't want to see it, but your brain in order to process it, you have to see it. And...

griefandlight (46:37.442)
That's how it was with a lot of Ken's friends when we were like, well, he don't want to do a viewing, but so many people were like, you please, you know, I have to. So I get that you, you can't believe sometimes until you actually see. So I think, you know, it gave, I think it gave some people a lot of closure because he's the type of person that you think won't die. So I think they needed to see that and see him. And we needed to see him through, through the.

cremation and all of that. it just, it made me feel good to do that. But like I said, there are still some times where I'm like, what could I have done that was different? But I also think that's that nasty guilt that gets ahold of you. hey, let's talk about No, and it's so normal. It's so, I really do want to normalize that. The thoughts will be there years after too. Like, they're always going to be that what if. And then it's just a matter of

learning to stand in your truth and that changes with time and you make peace with that in your own way. So I thank you so much for sharing it so vulnerably, openly and authentically because this is what helps guide other people who are maybe new on their journey or who maybe feel the guilt but then resonate with your story and also shows us that there could be that joy and laughter and the liberty of the moment even in the saddest goodbye.

100%. I absolutely love that. And I want to ask you two questions. I can't believe time is going by so quickly, but I'm loving your stories. I feel like this could be a whole series. Are you looking to write a book or do a series or anything like that, by the way? Because I've been told to write a book and I definitely am working on a book and I have put my cousin in a note with me. I was like, please make sure I write every day. So if I don't write, she'd be like, hey, I haven't seen that note. Update on my phone. What you do? And I want to I want to do it.

to where it's not sad, because even grief is ghetto is not sad. I have to remind people that this is a raw account of the things that I feel and the things that I've experienced that I don't hear a lot of people talk about. And it's, like you said, normalizing some of the things that aren't in those five stages, because those five stages are BS. Like, are way more. And...

griefandlight (48:57.166)
They don't go in order. You know, do. It's a roller coaster. So I just, I, I created it to be for it to be an outlet for other people. There are some times where that becomes a burden because when, when I talk about it, have to live it. sometimes when I talk about things, I can rip out three or four videos and then I have to sit or sometimes I'll have a little panic or, know, so there will be gaps sometimes in those videos because it sometimes will take me to a darker place, but I'm learning now.

we'll just three years later to kind of filter it. It doesn't have to be sad because somebody is going to see this and they're going to be like, my God, thank you. You know, there's going to be a relief for them. So don't look at it that way. So I'm, getting better with filtering out what makes it difficult and, you know, making it more of an experience, a beacon of light for the next person, not just me. So it's, it's been a journey. It's definitely a beacon of light.

Also, those breaks I found are authentic to the experience. They are actually what grief is. The thing here, sometimes I create content and then I'm like, okay, that's enough for, I don't know, the next month. I don't know, I did it, so now it's too much. So I hear you and I see you. And I want to ask you two things. One, what does your relationship with Ken look like now? How would you define it or what words could you attribute to it? And then two, what does grief is ghetto mean?

What is your personal definition of that concept in your brand? So my relationship with Ken is, if I have to give it one word, it's the blueprint. It's the blueprint for how I should live my life. It's the blueprint for future and current relationships. I am dating. I am in another relationship that is still fairly new, but

I learned so many things with Ken that I'm able to bring into this that are so helpful. It really is the blueprint for probably the rest of my life, not just our relationship, but Ken in general, the way Ken lived his life, the way his family, you know, because his family's great, the way they are supportive. Like my family's great, but their family, there's such a host of cousins that just when something happens, they drop everything.

griefandlight (51:22.97)
And it was such an abundance of love there. So that's a blueprint of what I want to be a part of. I want to have a family that's just like that. So it's the blueprint. That's the word I would give it for how to live my life moving forward. Grief is ghetto. think somebody asked me this. They were rude about it. But they were, what the heck has to do with grief? Well, I just feel like there's all these meaning we give to

the words that we choose. Like, you know, to me, light and grief and light means something different as my grief evolves. One hundred percent. I used to define it one way and now it's something totally different and I don't have one answer. It's just like what it means today. Right. I'm curious if there's an element of that. And also I love what you just said about the blueprint. Wow. That's so beautiful. Thank you. That was off the top of the head. got it. Really beautiful. Yeah, write that one down. Wow. I'm like,

I reference that, I reference Ken in most things that I do. It's almost like, you remember the WWJD brace, what would you do? I have like, what we can do in this situation, how we can handle this, how we can say that, you know, it's very much the blueprint for my life, but grief is ghetto. So ghetto to me is chaotic, right? When we describe something as ghetto, it almost is like, it doesn't quite make sense. It's a little chaos, it's a little weird.

You know, you don't know what you're gonna get next. That's how I define it. And that's how I define grief. It is, it's chaotic. It's a beautiful thing. It's, you know, it's, I think maybe was it Taraji or Regina King? One of them said, you know, it's love with no place to go. The final act of love for someone.

It's so many things in one. It's despair, it's happiness, it's laughter, it's tears. It means so much that I thought ghetto was the appropriate word to give it. Plus every time my friends and I, and my friends and I are not big, we're not the friend group that just is gonna cry. We're not big criers and literally let someone die. But there were moments where we would be sitting and we'll take a shot.

griefandlight (53:41.774)
And we'll look at each other and like, what about male first be like, shit. Get off. Yeah. Get out. Cause how do we take a shot and then be like, all right, I'm about to cry. It's just, it's all over the place. I, I describe it as that. And still it still is it, like you said, it changes from time to time. can confidently say now even the sad moments turn into.

laughter. And then there are some times where you're just sad, you know. Grief in itself is just a whirlwind of emotion, not just yours, but everybody else's as well. And everything that comes with loving, experiencing that person and then experiencing their passing is ghetto. It is a, you go from planning birthday dinners and birthday parties. And for Chien and I, were planning

and we were like, okay, let's, you know, we're gonna get married. We're gonna, you know, we're planning all of this to me planning his funeral. It is a journey with 68,000 turns. And you don't know which one to go, you just pick a road and you go down and you just keep going. It's 68,000 turns a minute. Yes. It's a maze of emotion. I just think that was the term that stuck with me because every time something would happen, I'm like...

You left the funeral home, was like, toe. This is get toe. It just, it's just how I thought, you know, would be perfect to define it. But it, definitely is light as well. And that's why when I saw your pockets, I was like, I love that. I love grief and light because grief can be so dark. So to give it like, Hey, there, there's light as well. That resonated to me because Ken and I had had a conversation. He had gotten very, very down about some health issues he was having.

I was actually fussing at him and I was like, well, you just quit. said, and you know, that's the thing that you tell me not to do. And he was like, I just feel like I'm in a tunnel and I can't get out. And I said, tunnels end, right? I said, so you keep walking till you get to end of the tunnel where you see the light. There's light there. I see you're not stuck. You just stopped walking. And that light, every time I think of grief, I'm like, okay.

griefandlight (56:03.872)
joy, light. I love you use that because you're not beautiful tail. Yeah. Light was my best friend and still is like even in my green. I wouldn't sleep at night and I would sit and just look out the window and wait for the sun because I'm like, okay, it'll be light. Where's the light? And when I would see the daybreak, I'm like, okay. And I could breathe and I could get two or three hours of sleep. Then I had to go to work, you know, but I would look for the light.

For my biblical people, it says, you know, joy comes in the morning. So I'm looking for light. I'm looking for the joy. Cause when I can see the light, I can feel something other than that. You know, so it was a big deal. I used to keep all the lights on in my house. I would not let it be dark because even though it may not seem like it, just using the word light, it has been such a big staple in my life and in my grief journey because I need the light. I need to see the light. When my aunt passed, it was the same thing. went, I didn't get

into as much despair as when Ken passed, only because my aunt's passing was beautiful. It was painless. She literally went to sleep. She was at home. She was sick. was, yeah, she was older. She was suffering. It was very ideal. I want to go that way. It was very ideal. The grief for my aunt was because almost like your brother, I had never known a life without my aunt. My aunt raised me since I was a baby. So now what? I don't know.

I don't know a life where she's not in it. So I went back to light. sometimes I would sit and just say that I'll look out the window and just wait for the sun to come up. It became almost a job, you know, okay, look for the light, look for the light, look for the, you and that, you know, it can get really hard in the winter months. That's when I started to get them down, but.

I'm like, just get as much light as you can, you know? So it, I would describe ghetto as that. It's just, it's chaotic. It's so many things that it's ghetto. I love it. And one aspect of it that I really enjoy is because when you say there really are no words for this experience, it's really so surreal that you're just sitting there to yourself staring into nothing. And as you're like, this is ghetto. this is crazy. This is is happening.

griefandlight (58:26.368)
Also, there's like that element of humor that is so, such a common thread between you and Ken and what you're doing now. And I love hearing that your relationship with him was such a blueprint and he lives on in so much of this. We're still talking about him. We're still talking about his beautiful spirit. And you get to have these new relationships with the love that you know to be so true. that has become, I'm guessing, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but that could probably be a

kind of the base for your next relationship because you already have it, you know how good it can be. And that is the base, not that we compare people, but there's a core experience and that defines us. That defines who we are. So I absolutely love that. Where can people find your information and buy some of your merchandise? I know that you have some amazing products on your website. tell us about that. I don't push it because I try to tell people Grievous Gables is not a store.

I only put out the merchandise because people ask, like, do you have t-shirts? I was like, okay, I guess I'll make t-shirts. And shout out to my t-shirt girl, Lauren Blue. She does my t-shirt. does, when I was coaching, she did all the stuff, my t-shirts and stuff for my girls. And she actually created the logo for Greifest Ghetto. And once I texted her and told her, was like, Lauren, I need to do Greifest Ghetto t-shirt. She was like, okay.

I'm gonna look at some logos and she created it and did a beautiful job. But you can go to my website at sharniawilson.com, literally my name, because that domain was available, hilariously enough, nobody had it. You can go there to purchase merchandise. I was doing a monthly thing and then again, never wanted to be a store owner, never wanted to be boutique owner. So I was like, I just wanna make content.

I don't really shop it, but you can purchase on there some shirts. I do have up on the website. I probably swapped them out for spring and all of that, but you can go there. can visit my TikTok and it's just Charneel Wilson and you'll see all the Greach's ghetto content there. You'll also see some of my other things, Shia's random thoughts, which actually came from Ken. Ken used to do Ken's random thoughts on Facebook and I was like, well, and I would help him come up with stuff. What should I say for Ken's

griefandlight (01:00:48.502)
And so I thought that was a nice way to remember him as well. So I do those. And you can also go to my Instagram, which is CWilson underscore zero six. And that will give you some content there as well. Some people DM me and they ask me questions. I just have to remind people, not a therapist, not a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. All I can do is kind of tell you my experience and, you know, I'll try to uplift from there. But, you know, people will DM and ask questions and I'm.

absolutely open to them. appreciate that. And please watch it. Please get what you want from me. If you even have a topic that maybe I haven't discussed that you want to see like, hey, is this happening to you? Because I've had some people say, hey, you know, this has happened. But when I'm like, that's good. Or I didn't even realize that that had happened. I'm like, let me write that down. That's good right there. So yes, please tell me if there's something that you kind of want me to cover that you don't see. So you can reach me on those three platforms.

I will definitely link that. And I love your videos. One of them that stood out was the text me when you get there. the, I call you and ask you if you got home, like you better text me. And it's so serious, especially after sudden loss, especially because you were texting Ken and he didn't answer. So it's not a joke people after somebody, know, text us back. Please, please, please say, just say, made it please. It is, it's so serious now.

And it used to really just be, it's almost like when you come into a room or when you've seen somebody, like, how you doing? You don't care how they're doing. You know, most of time you don't care. And that's how it was before. it takes a while to make it home. But now it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Did you make it? Because I need to know. Like, need to know that you got it. You're like, great, please. Please tell me. And the great thing now, and I don't know if this was a thing back then, but the sharing location. So like my close friends, do share.

locations or some, you know, we had the Life 360 and we can kind of see. You forgot to text me, but you may at least see that. But it's a huge deal now. And I tell people, kin's last words where I'm on the way. Never got here, you know? So I just need that put my soul at peace. For my heart and spirit.

griefandlight (01:03:05.134)
So definitely, yeah, your videos are very relatable. And I think humor, it's such a connecting factor. So it's a perfect medium. I love the topic. I love the way that you express yourself, that you share this reality, the truth, and you connect with other people. And you're doing an amazing job. You're speaking of light. You are a light in the space and are helping so many. And I know you'll continue to do so. So thank you for everything you're doing. Thank you. going up as yourself and being the beautiful person that you are inside out.

And I want to give you some time to maybe share something that's in your heart that we didn't cover, something that I didn't ask, something that you want to share about your grief experience, anything that comes to mind, something that you want to leave the listeners with. I try to say this in every podcast, but my friend Reggie, who the band director who left his kids, he was kind of my, he was my go-to buddy when I would start to kind of panic. And the one thing he would always say was, Hey, hey, hey, you can cry.

and you can scream, but you have to breathe. I'm okay with everything else, just breathe. I try to remind people that it's such a small and simple gesture, but when you become overwhelmed, you know, sometimes you forget to just breathe, like just breathe. So even now when I'm having, if I feel myself getting ready to have a come apart or a panic attack, I will literally breathe in and I will breathe out and say,

and I can feel the calm coming just from doing that, just from saying breathe and just breathe and I'll do it as many times as I need to until I feel myself come back down. And by the time I come down, now I'm thinking of something funny and now I'm laughing. Just remember to breathe in the most overwhelming moments, just stop, take a break.

I just had a coworker experience, a big loss too, and she was like, just sometimes I'm sitting at the desk and I was like, hey. Take a breath, go in the back, just breathe. And now she's doing, I was like, don't feel like you can't say, one second. You can take one second and just go breathe. And I've done it even in front of people. Like with one time me and my boss were talking and he mentioned something. It was the word that triggered a memory of Keon.

griefandlight (01:05:31.406)
that then triggered my tears started coming said, hold hold hold on. He was like, what's going on? Shh. And when I asked him to stop talking, I appreciated him. He was just like, okay, whatever I need to do. And it helped so much. So that's the biggest thing I can leave everybody with is really just remember to breathe. And it sounds cliche as hell, but people would tell me one day at a time, but I'm gonna take it further. It's one moment at a time, one second at a time, one minute at a time.

Just because you might have had an anxiety, you know, or a come apart at eight o'clock or eight a.m. doesn't mean the rest of your day is done. Sit in that, take a minute, breathe, and then go with the rest of your day. So every day doesn't have to be the same. Every moment won't be the same. But sit in that moment when you feel that grief, sit in it, feel it, let it come, tears, and then breathe and okay.

next moment, you know, we just have to, that's all brief is, is preparing for the next moment. And I want people to remember that because that's something I learned a lot while grieving that it just changes from minute to minute. So take that moment, do what you have to do, and then come back and be like, okay, next moment.

Beautifully beautifully said and I completely agree breathing is all the things and all the names especially in grief And then as a final question, what would Shaw today tell Shaw in 2021 after Ken's Woof Well, she would listen and when I was Because I went sober a lot but

It's not the end. I probably would tell myself that over, because it felt like the end. It really felt like the end. There is no way that I'm going to move forward. There's no way I'm going to date again. There's no way I'm going to love again. There's no way, you know, that that's what I felt. that is the grief lying to you. It's not the end. I would again say, take it one moment at a time.

griefandlight (01:07:53.838)
It's not the end. It's not the end. You will. You will get better. You we don't get past the grief. We just grow around it, right? So it continues to be a part of our life, but we learn to grow around it and manage it. And I would tell myself, you know, there is light. You're gonna see it. Just keep going, keep going. There were times where the despair would be so bad that

You know, would think not so great thoughts and I would want to do not so great things that could have ended my life. Cause that I did not feel like there was, it just is that tunnel. It's nothing. And I would just continue to tell myself like, no, no, it gets better. It gets better. I tell people that who DM me and I'm like, I know this is going to sound dumb, but I promise it gets better. I promise it gets better.

And I hope that that's helpful for them. I know, you you don't listen in the moment. You know, please, this is to be weird for the rest of my life. But it does get better. It really does. Beautifully said. Thank you so much, Shaw. It has been an honor and a privilege to talk to you, share your story here about Ken and share your work with our audience. So thank you for being you and thank you for being generous with your time. Well, thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

That's it for today's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the Grief and Light podcast. I'd also love to connect with you and hear your thoughts and your stories. Feel free to share them with me via my Instagram page at griefandlight, or you can also visit griefandlight.com for more information and updates. Thank you so much for being here, for being you, and always remember, you are not alone.


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Nina Rodriguez

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